WANNA LAUGH - The modern ABC's

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

Tony Walker

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave!

WANNA LAUGH?!?!??!?!

Author/Artist Unknown

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!?!

LESSONS TO REMEMBER IN REAL LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble, and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. hahaha! cruel world

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.

I need someone really bad. Are you really ?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

In love you go to bed early. After marriage, you go to sleep early.

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

Tony Walker
My wife & I were fighting the other day. As we were fighting she started packing.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
She said, "I'm moving to Vegas! I'm going to become an escort & charge $500 a night!"
With that I started packing too.
"Where are YOU going?" She asked.
I replied, "I'm going to Vegas too. I wanna see how you'll survive on $1000 a year."

Then I asked her, "I bet you can't wait for me to die so you can spit on my grave."
My wife said, "No way. I don't like standing in long lines!"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?! One Liners...

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

Crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?! Questions to ponder... and laugh about!

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

Don't you think virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone?

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.  She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.  The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'  

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.   For all I know you could start at any moment.   I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.. 

For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:     

Never argue with a woman who reads.    

It's likely she can also think.

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on. "Playing cards," she replies. "Who's your partner?" asked little johnny. "Your father!"

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. "Playing cards." "With who?" he asks. "My boyfriend!" she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room. He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?" "Playing cards!" replied Johnny. "Who's your partner?" asked his father...

Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Tony WalkerA psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with 3 young mothers & their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observes.
To the first mother he says, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You are obsessed with money. You've even named your daughter Penny."
The third mother has heard enough. She gets up & says to her son, "Come on Dicky. Let's go."

Tony Jokes.......

Tony Walker
A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with 3 young mothers & their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observes.
To the first mother he says, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You are obsessed with money. You've even named your daughter Penny."
The third mother has heard enough. She gets up & says to her son, "Come on Dicky. Let's go."

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

A man and his wife were driving through the country on their way from New York to California when the man noticed he needed some gasoline. He spots a Mobil station in the middle of nowhere and pulls over to the high octane pump. 

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. 

"Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. 

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car you got here" he asks. "I never seen one like it before. It sure is perty." 

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille." 

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. 

"Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine." 

"Wow," says the attendant, "I'll be!" 

"How much do I owe you for the gas?" asks the driver. 

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant. 

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. 

"What are those little wooden things you got there?" asks the attendant. 

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. 

"Wow," says the attendant, "dem Cadillac people think of everything!"

WANNA LAUGH?!?! ...The Late Show - Rated M for Mature

Tony Walker

My friend "Baldy" Ed is a manager at Shop Rite.

The other day Boyle walks into Shop Rite. She knows Ed too so she went over to say hi.

As they're talking Ed asks Boyle what she's shopping for.

"I'm here to pick up some bags of dog food," she says.

"I didn't know you got a dog," says Ed.

Boyle replies, "We didn't. It's for my husband. He likes the taste of dog food."

Ed says, "You know Boyle I hate to tell you your business but it's not really good for someone to eat dog food."

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

AT THE STAND UP MIC WE NOW PRESENT:
Dawn Boyle

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." 

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."