OK so here is a very personal story. A wicked on at that...
A close family member has been dealing with a drug addiction for more than 20 years. Time & time again he's been in jail, through rehab, stolen things from various family members & friends, & has caused so much heartbreak & strife in our family. So many people have tried to help him by giving him money, talking to him, bailing him out of trouble, etc.
Well last year he ended up in the hospital. All the drugs has beaten his body so bad that his heart was failing. Things did not look good for him at all. Originally the doctors didn't think he would live to see the end of the year! But he is still alive. The bright side to this was that it seemed to be the wake up call he needed. He immediately stopped doing drugs, was taking the prescribed medication, living right, exercising, and most of all he was reconnecting with his family. He was doing so well that his heart was improving. Finally after all these years it looked like we had our boy back.
Well sure enough last week he ended up in jail. Turns out he's been back on drugs for a couple of months now. If last year's event didn't scare him into stopping what will?? While his heart had improved my guess is that it's still not in great shape. The fear is that he will be dead very soon. This will tear up the family. So much pain and guilt.
You wanna help because it really is a sickness but yet you have to draw the line & cut this person off otherwise he won't bottom out. But it is so much easier said than done.
Have any of you ever been in this situation? How have you handled it?
Here's what you do. It's the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. You cut him off! No contact, no money, no help of any kind until he realizes that there are no more outs. You can't deny an addict his bottom. Once he realizes that there are no more outs and no more enabling, he will ask for the help he needs. Do not bail him out of jail!!!!!!! This exact thing happened to me and I can say that I work a program, have over 3 years sober, and have my family and friends back in my life. Be strong and don't give in. Don't deny his bottom, because if you do, you and that person will never see the miracle happen.
ReplyDeleteYou actually may be able to have him committed--however at this point--until he finally wakes up--he may never wake up...nothing more you can do...
ReplyDeleteWOW! Tony my prayers and heart goes out to what your are dealing. I myself have never been in that case secenerio but I agree with Anonymous sounds like cutting him off might actually save him.
ReplyDeleteTony, I'm continuously amazed at how you write things that are in my life and heart! My tough love person has Bi-Polar Disorder instead of drug addiction but the scenario is similar. Cutting him off has been the hardest thing but it's made him face up to his illness and do better. I admit I relent at times and help, but each time I do he gets abusive and wants more. The price is high for the one who gives tough love. They hate you, say awful, hurtful things to you and you worry constantly that you will drive them to suicide! Tough love is MUCH harder on the giver! Awesome post ,as usual, Tony!
ReplyDeleteTough love is the hardest thing in the world to practice. Painful at best and often enough to scare you out of your head - as the giver who is in touch with the reality of the situation and realizes the gravity of it. I do agree, they have to find bottom, before they can find up. In my experience... when I "walked out" of participating in the person chaos - they did bottom out and a better came - not perfect, but way better. I was at peace with what I did as there was nothing more that I could do. You have to get to point where you have peace with the fact that you've done all you could and there can be a fine line between helping and enabling. Prayers your way... the journey through tough love is not an easy one! HANG IN THERE and KEEP THE FAITH!
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