BEING FUNNY IS SERIOUS BUSINESS

Tony Walker

So...... The Lovely Barbara of The Lovely Lounge asked me if I'd be interested in writing something about the serious side of being funny.

What an interesting idea!

I admit, at first I thought I could write about how putting together comedy shows for a living is serious business. You need to write something that's funny not stupid. You may have the restrictions of not being dirty... being dirty is easy. You have to deal with performers-who can rehearse on what night, who committed to something but now can't commit to half the shit they committed to, making sure we have all the props & materials needed for the show, making sure the sound system works, etc. Believe me, I could write about all that & I will in other posts.... especially with the year I've had!!

But I'm not going to write about the funny business now. I'm going to write about how hard it is to be funny in life. How hard it is to keep smiling during tough times.  Sickness. Marriage crumbling. Financial issues. The list goes on & on. We all have several reasons not to smile.

I'm there too. 2012 was one of the worst years of my life!

But we can't let these catastrophes bring us down. If they bring us down they win! Then we're defined by it. The first few years that followed after my cancer, I saw the look on certain people's faces when I walked into a room. "There's the cancer guy" was written all over many people's faces. There was no f*cking way I was going to let cancer define me. Here we are, almost 10 years since I've been cancer free, & no one looks at me as the cancer guy anymore.

How did that happen? By smiling & being funny. I made a conscious & serious decision to be funny all the time. Everywhere I go I am smiling & making jokes. At meetings, at my kids' school, walking down the street, etc. Everywhere.

Let me tell you... it's hard work to be funny. It's serious shit. But the payoff is incredible. So many people are more willing to help me if I need something because I made them laugh. So many people are more friendly to me. So many people remember me. So many people will be my friend. 

As Heath Ledger said.... "Why so serious???" It just doesn't make sense to me. Smile damnit! Be pleasant & people will be pleasant to you! What a difference that makes in your day & in your all around mood when you have a pleasant atmosphere!! And it's contagious! You're fun & pleasant, soon everyone else around you is, & life doesn't seem so bad.

About a year ago I knew this serious work of being funny paid off. I was at a school function. I had to introduce myself to someone. When I did her response was, "Oh I know you." Immediately I thought she was going to say, "You're the one with cancer" or "You're the one legged guy." But no.... she said, "You're the comedy guy." WOO HOO!!!! Why yes! Yes I am!!!! Take that cancer!!! Take that & your serious shit!!

So you heard it from me. Start smiling & make a serious effort to be funny at all times. Stop being so stuffy! Be human!! Be fun!! I said so.

Eventually I'll share with you all the seriousness it takes to run a comedy business!!! There will be funny and not so funny stories to tell.  Being funny is serious business!

DRL SAID, HE SAID'S BACK! ... WE'VE MISSED YOU MR. WALKER

TONY WALKER
So I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with a big way to mark my return to the lovely ladies of my favorite Lounge in the whole world.

There's only one way to mark that return... talking about sex!!!

But don't worry... I am going to go easy on you guys. I am going to ask you one question, a question you've been asked before.
WHERE IS THE CRAZIEST PLACE YOU'VE HAD SEX?

Now don't get all prim and proper on me and refuse to answer this question! You ladies talk about sex just as much as us guys! Don't even think about denying it!  So "man up" & tell us your story. Give me a comment!

My craziest was in a movie theatre. I didn't hit a home run but I made it to 3rd base. It was really cool. 

I know you Loungers can beat me though... I mean beat my story. Surely there are some mommy's bedroom, out in public, at the baseball field people out there. Let's hear your story!!! Give me some comments.....!

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

Tony Walker

The other day Boyle was driving down Sunrise Highway with 10 penguins in her back seat. 

A cop pulled her over.

"Lady, you can't have these penguins in your car! Get them to a zoo!"

"Yes Officer. Right away."

The cop liked Boyle's cleavage so he let her go without a ticket.

But the next day the cop saw Boyle driving on Merrick Road with the same penguins!

He pulls her over.

"What did I tell you yesterday? I thought you were taking these penguins to the zoo!"

"I did! Today we're going to the movies!"

WANNA LAUGH????

Tony Walker
Boyle and I were walking through a museum the other day.
She wasn't looking where she was going and walked into a vase which smashes to the ground.
A museum attendant runs over an yells, "That vase was over 500 years old!"
"Oh thank God!" replies Boyle, "I thought it was a new one!"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

Tony Walker

My wife & I were fighting the other day. As we were fighting she started packing.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
She said, "I'm moving to Vegas! I'm going to become an escort & charge $500 a night!"
With that I started packing too.
"Where are YOU going?" She asked.
I replied, "I'm going to Vegas too. I wanna see how you'll survive on $1000 a year."
Then I asked her, "I bet you can't wait for me to die so you can spit on my grave."
My wife said, "No way. I don't like standing in long lines!"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

Sent in by our fan STAN

A man has Priapism and his erection has not gone away for two weeks so he goes to the drug store to seek help behind the counter he sees a woman so he asks her whether he could see the pharmacist

she says "sir i am the pharmacist",

he says "may i please see the male pharmacist"

she says "sir I'm the pharmacist and as a matter of fact so is my sister and we own the store. i would appreciate that anything you would say to a male pharmacist you tell me"

so, he opens his coat and shows her the problem

he says "what can you give me for it" she says "let me consult my sister"

in a few minutes she returns and says "we can give you $500 and half a partnership in the store"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Tony Walker

I took Boyle to Governor's Comedy Club to see a  ventriloquist. The ventriloquist went into a whole bit of silly blonde jokes. All of a sudden Boyle stood up and started yelling. "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of you picking on blondes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does being blonde have to do with someone as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize when Boyle pops up again, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

WANNA LAUGH?!?! ...The Late Show - Rated M for Mature

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" .... The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Tony Walker

Mama Bear was trying to tell her cubs, 2 girls & a boy, about how babies are made.
The first girl cub asks, "Mama, will I have cubs when I grow up?"
"Yes you will sweetie," replies Mama.
The second girl cub asks, "Mama, will I have cubs when I grow up too?"

WANNA LAUGH?!?! ...The Late Show - Rated M for Mature

Tony Walker

A few months after his parents divorced, Johnny was walking past his mom's room & accidentally spots mom naked & rubbing herself while yelling, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next few months Johnny sees mom doing this several times.

One day he comes home from school, peaks in moms room, & sees some man on top of his mom.

Little Johnny then runs into his room, takes off his clothes, starts touching himself while yelling, "I need a bike, I need a bike!"

http://www.dropdeadcomedy.com/

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!?!?

Going Out

Dawn Boyle

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Tony Walker

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, & science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.

The members of the tribe are shocked. The chief grabs the professor & pulls him aside. 

"Look here!" says the chief, " You're the only white man we've ever seen & my wife gives birth to a white child! It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened here!"

"Oh no Chief, you're wrong," says the professor. "What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino. Look at that field over there. All the sheep are white except for the one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief is silent for a moment. He whispers in the professors ear, " Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep & I won't say anything more about the baby!"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Tony Walker

At Drop Dead Comedy we have 2 employees, Jack & Jill. Like every business these days we are feeling the crunch of the current economy. So we've decided that we have to lay one of them off. Question is, which one?

Yesterday I decided that the first one who leaves for lunch will be let go. 

They both ate their lunches at their desks while working. Damn.

I decided the first one to leave for the day will be the one.

They both got up at the exact same moment to leave. SH*t.

Knowing that my business partner will kick my ass if I don't lay someone off like I said I would, I did the eeny meenie minee moe. Jill was the one.

Jill was at her car in the parking lot about to leave.

I got to her just in time. "Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?"

Jill says, "You'd better just jack off. I'm already late for an appointment."

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Tony Walker

A guy walks into a bar. With him is a little guy a foot tall. The guy walks up to the bar & the little guy walks over to the piano where he starts playing & singing.

The bartender, amazed at the sigh of this little guy playing the piano & singin, moves over to the guy to talk to him.

"Hey! That little guy is really good! Where did you find him?"

"I got him from my genie."

"You've got a genie? Do you mind if I borrow your genie? I could use some help!"

HE SAID..... FINE....

HE SAID

Tony Walker

You ladies are killing me!! I'm so confused!! Ladies please answer a question for me. 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORD "FINE?"

A few months back, maybe even a year ago, my super duper business partner & I were working on a script for Drop Dead Comedy. (shameless plug) She showed me some of her ideas. I looked them over & said her ideas were fine. Right away she said she would try to come up with something else. "Why would you do that," I asked. "I said I liked your ideas." She replied, "No you didn't. You said they were fine." I was puzzled. Where I come from FINE is a nice word. My partner said FINE is not great. In fact she said she hates the word FINE. I was shocked. I had never heard anyone say this before. Would she still hate the word if I said, "Hey baby you sure are FINE." She probably would hate that especially since I make her puke when I talk like that. So from that point on I always made sure to not use that word around her. If she used that word with something I suggested I knew I was in deep doo doo.

So since then I thought that this issue with the word FINE was just a hang up my super duper business partner had. But then just last week I was hanging with one of my favorite women who asked me not to mention her name.... so I won't mention Boyle's name.... when she shared with me an idea she has for our comedy group. I said the ideas sound FINE. Oh no!! That dreaded word!!! Let me tell you... the look on Boyle's face when I said FINE. I blew any chance of getting Boyle naked that night. She was so mad. "What's wrong with that word," I asked. "Fine sucks!" she replied. Another one of my favorite women, the stunning Jennifer Copp was with us & she agreed with Boyle that FINE sucks. Boyle was never the same again. She went home & I cried for days. 

That's when I realized that the word FINE is not just my super duper partner's hang up. It's a woman thing!!! So please comment below ladies & help me out. I thought FINE was right up there with good, cool, nice, etc. When did FINE become a four letter word????

HE SAID......

Tony Walker

There is something that I've been doing all my life. Some people tell I should stop doing it some people tell me it's cool that I do it. Sometimes it gets me in trouble sometimes great things come from it. Have you guessed what it is yet?

I talk to women like they are "one of the guys." You know what I mean.... I swear, I talk about sex, some of them I even burp in front of, like I would in the boys locker room.

Wanna Laugh?!?!

Tony Walker

Sal died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body,

So they sent for his two best friends, Tony and Kevin. The three men had always done everything together...

Tony arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Tony said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad."

"You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Tony said, "Nope, ain't Sal ..."



WHEN I HEAR WHAT'S SHAKIN' I THINK...
Tony Walker

So Thursday's theme is "What's Shakin." What's shakin is my penis!!!
This piece could've been saved for a "He Said She Said" piece but Delayed Reaction asked "What's Shakin" so here goes.

Men shake their penises after peeing. Since the invention of the toilet bowl women have been carrying on about urine on the seat. Please ladies... chime in here & tell me what the problem is. If a guy pees on the seat what is so hard about wiping it off real quick? If a girl finds pee on the seat what is so hard about wiping it off real quick? Is this really worthy of a centuries long argument?

Personally, I never understand why a guy can't lift the seat up.