NEW YEAR WITH THE GOOD GIRL

At the brink of another New Year there's the reoccurring theme from many of my friends that it's a big deal. I hear their resolutions and promises that they swear they'll keep. Their insistence that this year, it will be different. They are more committed. It's going to happen. 2013 is THE year. And New Year's is all about the promise of a new start. A clean slate.

But on January 1st, 2013, won't it just feel the same as always? You will wake up with a groan and feel those same aches. You will complain about the weather. You will tell your children not to wipe their hands on their clothes. You will get caught in the rain. Like the holidays that come at the end of the year, with all that preparation and effort, the New Year brings so much expectation building momentum as it draws closer. Midnight strikes! The year lies ahead. The fresh start. Then it's gone. All that excitement falling to the ground like a deflated balloon. Not with a bang. Soundlessly. Drifting off into a corner, found days later.

2013 will be like every year we’ve ever known. It is the year of:

Getting too much sun even though you know you shouldn't.
A squeeze of your hand that makes everything better.
Drifting away from a long-time friend.
A great haircut.
Losing those few pounds.
A hug when you need it.
Watching a sunset.
Gaining back the weight.
A crayon drawing from your child that you tuck away.
Forgetting your umbrella.
Coming across the right pair of shoes.
Wasting too much time online.
Laughing with your children.
Crying in the shower.
Sleepless nights.
A book that you'll treasure.
The right words when you need to hear them.
A final good-bye.
The same old.
Last year was so good...and so bad. For me, 2012 was the year I watched my dad struggle with cancer. The year my boyfriend put so much at stake with a new business. The year of too many financial worries and too few professional gains. The year of my friends going through the loss of a parent. Finally acknowledging the anger I have towards my ex's family. Having my purse stolen. Visiting family. Having two summers. Spending time with dear friends and having our children play together. A sunset cruise to the Statue of Liberty. Riding every roller coaster. Another birthday. Another Valentine's Day. Another first day of school. Another Christmas.

This coming year is just like every year, isn't it? With it's struggles and it's triumphs. The joy. The heartbreak.

So I raise a toast to this New Year because it’s the same as it always has been— One where anything could happen. 

See you in 2013,
The Good Girl

The Good Girl's Weight Loss Secret

A couple of years ago I lost about 15 pounds. It was a noticeable weight loss on my 5'4" frame. I lost count of how often I was asked how I did it. I usually vaguely replied that I had been sick with some stomach thing. Secretly I was tempted to give them the actual reason and say it in my chirpiest voice: "Why, it's crippling depression....but I don't recommend it for everyone." There was an irony that the time in my life when I got the most compliments was also the darkest. Friends, acquaintances and even strangers seemed almost eager to tell me how great I looked.

At any other time fitting into a smaller size would have made me very happy. However, I was the most miserable that I had ever been in my life. My marriage fell apart as we were approaching our tenth anniversary. I went into a depression that seemed to envelope me. Every day was endless and insurmountable. Everything seemed meaningless, especially food. I just couldn't eat. My appetite was gone. I lost weight without intending to. Spend entire weekends in bed without hardly getting up and exist on an English muffin a day and you can, too. Not the right way to shed pounds by any stretch of the imagination.

I read with interest Barbara's very honest posting of struggling to make sense of why bad things happen (What Matters). Her faith gave her the strength to see that sometimes life doesn't make sense and there's no logic with tragedy. My experience showed me that some times life can just suck. And then when you think it can't suck any worse, somehow it does. I would feel like I had fought my way out of a deep dark hole only to have the ground give out underneath me and fall right back down.

It took a long time to fight my way back to "normal." I discovered a strength and support system I didn't know I had. It still moves me to tears the compassion I found in my friends and family.

The weight came back on eventually, plus a little more. And I was okay with it. I thought it was part of the healing process, proof I was getting better. My emotional health seemed more important than my jean size. It's a lesson I always keep close to remind myself when weight concerns creep in. We are so much more than the numbers on the bathroom scale or on our clothes. Those numbers don't define us, don't represent who we truly are. Where our bodies curve or don't curve doesn't reflect what is in our hearts and in our minds. Numbers are only important if we make them. My happiness doesn't depend on my waist size. It comes from within and no arbitrary number should take that away.