BROKEN PROMISES

Barbara Ward-Finneran

Ever feel like you’ve had an epic fail.  It’s when the things you’ve promised yourself somehow fell to the way side and “everything else” got more important.  Got more important then you.  “Everything else” is important, so it has to have a place.  It has to fit into your life.  Yet the “fit” gets messy and you lose not only focus but balance.  You forsake your control and power for the greater good.  For the “life” that gets in the way. For the everything else that must get done.  

Sometimes you have to close your eyes, remember what’s really important.  You have to put yourself into that image and trust that you belong there.  I know that you must keep yourself in the equation or you’ll never prove. Anyone whose good with mathematical interactions knows you have to prove at the end of the day.  (Okay, truth be told, I’m not always the greatest at mathematical magic, but Daddy was a banker and I get proving!) However, if you fail to keep yourself in the calculations, there’s nothing to prove.  All your best efforts will leave you like something is missing.  Leave you longing for more.  

I know this is true. Not all that long ago I walked a path where I allowed myself to be “lost”.  Lost in a dark place to an addiction that numbed the pain.  An emotional eater  who tail spun into morbid obesity that tipped the scales at well over 250 pounds.  An atrocity for my 5’1” frame.  It didn’t happen over night.  It didn’t happen without me being keenly and painfully aware of every guilty bite, aware of every emotion that I buried.  Knowing day after day that it needed to stop.  Knowing that every five or ten pounds that you allow to be okay invites more. One day I had enough and dialed up my own resurrection.  Decided that the issues and problems would remain, but I didn’t have to keep slowly killing myself. It was time to reclaim the part of me that was hurting and heal it.  Time to take my power back.  And, I did.  It was recovery that had to do with a whole lot more then the 90 pounds I shed.  

For over 30 months it was a success that was sweet most days and larger then life on others.  I worked blood, sweat and tears, to be heathy, to feel better, to look better and most importantly to feel like me, to feel whole.   

In the last six months I found myself somewhere between broken promises and an epic fail.  I allowed a new job and it’s new obligations to get in my way.  The job has it’s place, purpose, prestige and need.  For this woman already running on overdrive there wasn’t much time to dole out to this new endeavor, something had to give.  What was I thinking?!  I allowed it to be me. I took the hit!   One more thing “to do” became one too many.  My gym visits were the first to be sacrificed followed by my at home workout routines.  In the weeks that followed I became desensitized to the few pounds that crept up on the scale.  In the chaos of the constant busy conceding to the two or three pounds, only to become five and then even a few more.  The line I walked became unbalanced. I felt it physically and emotionally. The voice in my head torn between the dark side that I remembered (and lurked) and the optimist that said you’ll get your control back; in a few weeks, on the first of the month, over the break, at the new year, etc. You let the first five slip by and before you know it the next five begin to up the anti. It was slow... but it was happening.  Once again all to aware, but not going there.  There wasn’t time.  I needed enough time to carve out a schedule, to make it a habit again, to get control.  Another day, another week slips by... and nothing gave, except the scale working it’s way towards a ten pound gain.  

ENOUGH!  What am I doing?!  What was I thinking?!?! Finally - I let it click once again.  ENOUGH!  I am - so NOT going back there!  I was all to tuned in to how easily it could happen.  Finally... I refuse to let “it” happen.  

You can’t worry about making it perfect.  You cannot wait until there is enough time to make the perfect schedule. To make the perfect balance.  You have to concern yourself only with making it happen.  As best as you can  - today.  Just do it.  Start.  Start over.

I can’t get to the gym a few times a week, every week.  But, I’ve finally gone back.  I can’t get the home routine to fit certain days and times on schedule.  But, I can commit to 10 miles a week and make that work.  Make the scale roll back.  

I found the time to "rest" my strappy stilettos and lace up my running shoes. Two point five weeks and 25.3 miles in - I am back in the game - I am doing it.  (Again!) I made myself a priority.  I am redefining the rules, taking back control and reclaiming balance.  Not to mention the added dose of endorphins - there’s still never enough time - but - all is better! It is empowering. 

It is not an epic inadequacy to demand a do-over.   There is no shame in beginning again.  The only failure in starting over is talking and thinking about it rather then doing it.  Just do it. 

KEEP THE PROMISES THAT YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF! ;)

The Good Girl's Weight Loss Secret

A couple of years ago I lost about 15 pounds. It was a noticeable weight loss on my 5'4" frame. I lost count of how often I was asked how I did it. I usually vaguely replied that I had been sick with some stomach thing. Secretly I was tempted to give them the actual reason and say it in my chirpiest voice: "Why, it's crippling depression....but I don't recommend it for everyone." There was an irony that the time in my life when I got the most compliments was also the darkest. Friends, acquaintances and even strangers seemed almost eager to tell me how great I looked.

At any other time fitting into a smaller size would have made me very happy. However, I was the most miserable that I had ever been in my life. My marriage fell apart as we were approaching our tenth anniversary. I went into a depression that seemed to envelope me. Every day was endless and insurmountable. Everything seemed meaningless, especially food. I just couldn't eat. My appetite was gone. I lost weight without intending to. Spend entire weekends in bed without hardly getting up and exist on an English muffin a day and you can, too. Not the right way to shed pounds by any stretch of the imagination.

I read with interest Barbara's very honest posting of struggling to make sense of why bad things happen (What Matters). Her faith gave her the strength to see that sometimes life doesn't make sense and there's no logic with tragedy. My experience showed me that some times life can just suck. And then when you think it can't suck any worse, somehow it does. I would feel like I had fought my way out of a deep dark hole only to have the ground give out underneath me and fall right back down.

It took a long time to fight my way back to "normal." I discovered a strength and support system I didn't know I had. It still moves me to tears the compassion I found in my friends and family.

The weight came back on eventually, plus a little more. And I was okay with it. I thought it was part of the healing process, proof I was getting better. My emotional health seemed more important than my jean size. It's a lesson I always keep close to remind myself when weight concerns creep in. We are so much more than the numbers on the bathroom scale or on our clothes. Those numbers don't define us, don't represent who we truly are. Where our bodies curve or don't curve doesn't reflect what is in our hearts and in our minds. Numbers are only important if we make them. My happiness doesn't depend on my waist size. It comes from within and no arbitrary number should take that away.

New Attitude

Dawn Boyle

Since you all know I gave up on the "Dawn Challenge" and started Jenny Craig last Monday..I am pleased to anouce that I have lost over 6lbs. I am still doing the Zumba and really sticking to the plan! I know most of that is water weight, but I am happy whatever it is!!!

Thanks for all the encouraging emails and comments! You guys ROCK!

SHUT UP AND PUT UP....UPDATE

Dawn Boyle

Not sure if you noticed, but I didn't write Sunday or Monday in my quest to drop some poundage before "SUMMER". I had been trying to do it myself but the truth is I need structure. I need someone to figure out portions and crap for me. Last year I had much success on Jenny Craig and although I could have had a car lease payment for a Mercedes to cover food cost I stuck to it and felt great!

Over last summer I quit smoking and the weight started to creep up on me. After two surgical procedures in late fall I am not happy with my weight. I returned to Jenny yesterday. My counselor Gayle is awesome and I already feel better today!

So I will now be doing weekly updates instead of nightly....I plan to be at fighting weight by May 12!

WISH ME LUCK!

SHUT UP AND PUT UP....

Day 10

DAWN CHALLENGE

Today was not so bad...I am looking forward to going out tonight to Mercato, a little restaurant close to my house.

Today's Food Log

2 egg whites on flat raisin bread with a slice of american cheese

3 oz tuna with tomatoes and red onion in a 1/2 whole wheat pocket

low fat greek yogurt with fresh blue berries

Tonight I plan on having the Grilled Shrimp with feta  at Mercato and a few cocktails.

It's SUPER SATURDAY...Live it up!

SHUT UP...JUST SHUT UP

Day 9

Today was spent in the house cleaning and working on the blog with Barbara....there was ZERO exercise. Maybe if Mother Nature would throw me a bone and it wasn't so crappy out all the time I would feel a little bit better! I need Vitamin D. I need Summer. I need to trade in the mini van.....

Breakfast -
4 jelly munchkins (yeah...that's right and I would've had more if I felt better)
xtra large decaf with skim milk and splenda

Lunch -
1 1.2 slices of pizza

Snack -
1 cup if a cup is a bowl of cheeze itz
TLC Peanut Chew bar

Dinner -
Egg Drop Soup
Vegetable Egg Roll

Tomorrow is another day...didn't get on the scale today...I am waiting til Monday

SHUT UP AND STAY FOCUSED AND PUT UP!!!

Day 8....

New Attitude!!!

Okay -
Breakfast I had Kashi 3/4 cup with skim milk, lunch I had a Jenny Sante Fe with salad, snack I had an orange and a sting cheese. Shrimp in Fra Diablo sauce with salad and onion soup (no cheese/bread)!

I am all about turning this MOTHER OUT!

SHUT UP AND STAY FOCUSED....UGGGH!

Day 7

Dawn Challenge


Who thought this was a good idea anyway??? Stupid food log below.
3 egg whites and peanut chew TLC bar
tuna in water in a whole wheat pocket
shrimp with brown rice (1/4 cup cooked) and salad
1 weight watchers cookie

water...coffee...water....coffee BLAH BLAH BLAH!

SCALE HAS NOT MOVED!!!! I AM STARTING TO FREAK OUT OVER HERE!!!!

BLOAT BLOG...

Marion Pellicano Ambrose

OK, so why is it that women have to retain so much water and men don’t?  I take a medication called Furosemide to keep my ankles and legs from becoming swollen. My husband and I went away for a few days and I forgot the meds.  I came home and “poof” my ankles, knee and legs blew up like a hot air balloon at a county fair! I can almost hear the “swish” of water as I walk!  I cut out salt, I drink lots of water (which I hate), cut out soda, I keep moving as much as I can, and I drink tea from morning till night. So why am I still the marine version of the good year blimp?

My husband on the other hand, eats salted peanuts all day, drinks cases of Diet Coke, pours about a pound of salt on all his food, and never retains an ounce of water! It’s true he’s very active, but come on, is this fair?

It’s the same story when trying to lose weight. I eat enough veggies to rival a rabbit, cut out just about everything with taste and that little needle on the scale doesn’t budge. He eats 1 large bowl of Fruit Loops instead of his usual 2 and loses 5 pounds!  Based on these facts alone, I have concluded that God must be a man!

Am I the only one with this problem? Is there a man out there somewhere that suffers along with us women when it comes to water retention and weight? And most importantly, does anyone have a suggestion as to what can help deal with these issues besides more medication?  Please respond to my “ Bloat Blog”  and let me know!