INSTANT REPLAY

Barbara Ward-Finneran
Scarlett... cherry... candy apple...fire engine... even blood red. I love those colors lacquered on my nails or shinning on my lips. That flash of a power color that can scream confidence when it wraps around you with just the right fashion statement or lifts you to new heights in the perfect strappy stiletto. Red's my perfect color. Any shade is my favorite...

I tell the woman that I have rolling veins as she ties off the tourniquet on my arm and swabs antiseptic at the soft flesh of my inner elbow.  "This will pinch a little." All the thoughts and emotions had already begun to hurt long before she  manages to hit a vein on her first attempt.  Is it better to hurt or feel nothing at all? I twinge.  My fist tightens and my long nails jab into my palm as I watch her push the needle deeper into my arm to make the blood pour out.  The dark red color flushes the tube and fills it quickly.  The "tech"  effortlessly switches from one tube to the next.  Usually I'd turn away, but I can't break my glance from watching.  Almost feeling like I need to observe and see, so that it doesn't seem so surreal.  It's been over two years since I've done this and it all resembles some sort of an instant replay in my mind.  I was lucky last time. No, blest would be a better word.  Now I wonder, will lightening strike twice?

Sure, anyone who knows me, knows I love red.  My power color of choice.  Watching it fill up a vial so it can be screened to answer the cancer question leaves you feeling anything but powerful.  Watching it be labeled and tagged with numbers, it's just a number to the lab, yet to me it's so personal.  Personal enough to effect the rest of my life.  The tubes are so covered with stickers now that the beautiful rich hue of the blood can hardly be seen.  The "tech" makes small talk about it going around the country.  First to Tampa and then to California.  Once there in some magical medical place it will be screened with a state of the art process.  Professionals searching this life giving liquid for the proverbial needle in a haystack.  Searching for microscopic markers, and/or tell a tale break away cells, and/or hormonal changes, in a sample that contains billions of normal blood cells.  I have no comprehension of how many "markers" or cells will tilt the scale.  Make this concern of malignancy all the more real.  I hate tests that I can't study for, I much prefer to be in control of my ability to ace it.  Right now, I have no control.  The score from 1 to 10 is out of my hands.  "The mass has grown and changed, it is more solid, more textured"... the doctors words echo through my mind.  I can't shake something in her tone.  There is just an inflection in it that robs me just the slightest of feeling as confident about this as I did in round one back in 2010. 

I'm not even sure it's her voice as much as my own gut, just knowing something is different.  I knew.  Before the sonograms that confirmed the changes  had even been performed - I had already told a friend it'll have to come out this time.  I knew my waiting and watching time was over - this time the ovarian mass/tumor will be removed.  I was right.  Seeing the doctor's caller ID on my phone after hours the day of the sonogram made my heart beat slightly out of rhythm for a moment.  Hearing the doctor's voice on the phone confirmed my instincts before her words could define the situation. Her words changing from positive to worse case scenario in brief moments.  More tests and surgery scheduled in less then five minutes flat. 

Surgery scheduled just five days before my current medical benefits end.  After 18 years of dedication, service and ministry at my job, I became "victim" to a reduction of force.  My position, if I return to it, will be part time and all benefits will be banished at the end of the current contract.  I certainly won't be ready to report back to work on the 7th day following my surgery, ironically, I also lost all of my many days of acquired sick time.  None of this gives one any kind of warm fuzzy and this double whammy has packed quite a punch. 

Honestly, I've been kind of reeling some days.  Fighting for hours with the insurance company with endless phone calls and 800 numbers. That to which I don't think you'd believe unless you've "been there and done that", in your own attempts to advocate for coverage for yourself or someone you love.  Optimistic and positive the majority of the time and had many moments of needing to hug my kids "right now" in that intense way that a cat has to be from point "A" to point "B" in a nano-second. 

Yesterday the diagnostic tests were done.  The fighting with the insurance company has reached a cease fire while they review the documentation (although they already called today looking for more paperwork) for my gap coverage exception.  More irony and a whole other blog about how the thousands and thousands of dollars that I pay for my family's medical insurance still can get you nowhere if what you need isn't on the plan or in the right network. 

But today it doesn't matter.  It's all "done" now.  I feel a little lighter despite the wait.  Despite the wonder of where I'll score and if meeting and oncologist is in my immediate future.  At this point I have done all I can do and it is what it is.  I have been embraced by my friends and family and I know that no matter the road ahead they will be there every step of the way. With every twist and turn, "Jesus take the wheel".

Yet, I've been having trouble writing... feeling like the posts all sound the same.  Feeling "fake" trying to wrap my head around inspiring words that would be read worthy. Trying to push my usual genre of "pollyiana positive"... yet you can't force what isn't there. Quite frankly, it's been a little MIA some days.  "You gotta write what you feel", a friend recently reminded me.  As profoundly positive as I am that I will be okay.  Those feelings linger that okay may be redefined.  At one moment I'm ready to face it head on and in another I'm flushed with emotion and wishing the tears would come so I could have that soul cleansing release.  Yet I can't cry.  The tears won't come.  And, I don't know and can't explain why.  Even running in the driving rain, one of my cure alls for the need for a good cry, hasn't dispensed the bowing dam.  I guess the tears will come when they are ready.  When I am ready.  Maybe they won't come at all.  (I haven't cried since that week last month.  The worst emotional week of my life since I buried my Dad over 18 years ago. In five days I had a falling out with a very dear friend whose permanent absence I couldn't fathom but seemed very possible, and left me gut wrenchingly numb.  Followed by being served with the inevitable but ever looming papers on our home. To knowing that my tumor was rearing it's ugly head to finishing on Friday with a severe reduction of force where I work.  Watching people I love be laid off and other positions "cut" to part time. Sadly, this wasn't new or surprising. Those of us who still remain on the job have already seen way too much of this before that Friday.  I didn't cry then, or at all that week. Days later I did, running on the beach in the rain.)  Is it better to hurt or feel nothing at all?  Maybe I'm gut wrenchingly numb again.  Yet that hollow hole I felt in the pit of my stomach that emotional week... I feel nothing there now.  Perhaps those tears will surface during my last ever PMS.  (Oh, did I mention that with this surgery comes full blown menopause.) Eh! Screw the tears! (I'm sure they will have their time) Bring on the chocolate and the wine - and look out world - I'm thinking the last period of you life you can plan to be a b*tch in heels!  LOL......  Who knows.  It could happen. Anything's possible!  

HE SAID... I SHOULD BE DEAD

TONY WALKER
I should be dead.
I'm not dead.
Cancer tried to kill me.
I'm still here.
But did I beat it?

Cancer-Left me without a leg.
              -Screwed up my job which messed up my finances.
              -Took me away from my kids when they needed me. My son has struggled through school since day one. One of the main reasons he struggles is because I either wasn't there for him when he was real little or his needs had to be put aside to deal with a cancer related issue for me. My daughter's autism sometimes took a back seat to my cancer related crap.

GIVE ME A BREAK, - I'LL GIVE YOU ONE TOO

Tony Walker
So the He Said She Said sparked quite the debate didn't it?
Boyle made a comment that was actually going to be a future He Said She Said topic I had planned but since she brought it up I am going to talk about it now.

She said she is thinking about going away for a week & not bringing her phone. This is a sensitive topic for me. My wife has gone away twice & is now planning another trip.

I won't lie to you... it's a bitch when she's gone. I do a lot with the kids but it's a nice to know mommy is home too just in case I just sat down & one of the brats now want something. Maybe mommy will get it this time. To be "on call" 24 hours a day is exhausting. (Hats off to you single moms! My mom was one so hats off to her too!)

The first 2 trips my wife took were both in 2009. I wasn't thrilled about the first one but I understand we all need a break. We survived the week but it was tough at times. Our autistic daughter couldn't understand why mommy had to go. She was mad about it & made sure everyone knew. The second time I was pissed. Like I said, it was the same year. You just had a break & now you're going again?? Our daughter was even more cranky the second time around plus I had to work which meant getting babysitters. I guess I bitched enough because in 2010 she didn't go anywhere but now she is planning a trip for the end of June. 

My cancer was diagnosed in 2002. Since all the chemo, surgeries, amputation, heartache, aggravation, etc. I have only taken a 3 day weekend with a couple of friends. What I would LOVE to do is go away for a few days (if not longer) with my wife! We have not had a vacation alone since our honeymoon in 1998. But that is not happening anytime soon.

So I am not happy she is going away again. We all need our "me" time. I get that. We all need a break to regroup. I get that. But when does it become too much? Where is the balance?

What pisses me off even more is that I can't get my wife to take a morning off so we can be naked after the kids go to school but she'll take a few days to go somewhere without me? Again!!

So when Boyle goes away I hope she does have her phone because I'll be calling her to find out where she is staying because I am going to meet up with her. Then we'll leave our phones in the suitcases!!!

What do you guys think? How do you give yourself & your partner a break?

TONY'S HE SAID
http://delayedreactionlounge.blogspot.com/2011/05/he-said_10.html

DAWN'S SHE SAID
http://delayedreactionlounge.blogspot.com/2011/05/she-said.html

FISHNETS, JOBS, CANCER, MY WIFE and TAXES

Tony Walker

There's one topic I've been avoiding here at the Lounge. I've been avoiding it because it's not an easy thing to discuss. I'm the funny guy... the comedy guy.... I can't talk about serious, painful shit. But today something happened and I need to bitch.... I need to bitch real bad. I need to bitch about my cancer and my amputation.

I love reading other survivors' stories and sending them love and support. I make sure I send love and support to the families who lost a loved one to cancer. My super duper business partner lost her mother after a long cancer battle and I think about that a lot. I love talking to other people who have recently lost their leg and telling them they're going to get through it. But when it comes to my own story I get mad as I revisit the darkest time of my life. So obviously I am going to make this long story as short as I can. Just enough to justify my bitching fit.

In 2002 I was diagnosed with osteosarcoma, a bone cancer. The tumor was wrapped around the outside of my femur. In October of 2002 (Halloween week to be exact) I entered NYU for my first round of chemo. Every time I went there I had to stay there and get chemo drugs pumped into me for 5 days straight. I missed Halloween with my kids. My daughter was 3 and my son was a month away from turning 2. Just a few months prior we discovered our daughter was autistic so we our lives were crazy already. I did the chemo for 8 months. I lost all my hair, most of which never came back, and I lost 75 pounds, all of that came back unfortunately.... plus a little more! 

BORN FROM DARKNESS AND DESPAIR

Barbara Ward-Finneran & Dawn Boyle

What better way to give others hope then to see such amazing beauty be born out of what was formerly the darkness and despair of cancer.

Photographer, Michael D. Colanero’s, passion as an artist lead him to create visions that helps reconcile the desparities of cancer with empowering visions of hope.  This  journey to support Breast Cancer Awareness through the visual arts led him to create the Breast Cancer Awareness Body Painting Project: A Fine Art & Photography Essay of Survivors. These works of art came into being through the combined efforts of Michael and very talented body painting artist, Keegan Hitchcock.  Michael provides the photography and digital artistry and Keegan uses the bodies of survivors as canvases to literally bring the images to life. The artists work together to develop a concept and design so that work of art gives visual voice to the specific survivor and their story.  As Michael has stated, “So far 23 brave and incredible women have selflessly stepped forward and been painted for the project. I may be the creator but these SURVIVORS are the project. Everything is a true collaboration of the women the body painter(s) and my work as well. All of it then shared and appreciated by the people it touches. Every link in the chain is important.”  The imagery is first painted onto the breast cancer survivor’s bare torso. Then it is photographed and digitally remastered creating stunning images that are thought provoking while raising awareness by embedding the survivors backstory visually within the works of art. A combination that creates a masterpiece with not just aesthetic value but art for and with a purpose.  The positive impact of this project has limitless potential. With over 200,000 breast cancer diagnoses each year in the US, it is Michael’s aim to "reach in all the directions it needs to, to make the biggest difference to those who need it most - financially, emotionally and spiritually."  If that is the “body” of the project, then the heart and soul is to inspire hope and foster and breed encouragement for those still on the journey of fighting this disease.  There is amazing hope fostered when the women (and men) can see positive and beautiful images of those who have walked the journey and won the battle.  

It is hope of DRL to give the “write” voice to this amazing project! The giving spirit and selflessness of these collaborative work and the backstories will continue to be shared here at the lounge in the coming weeks.

We invite you to join us on this journey, seen through the eyes of the artists’ and hearts of the brave women and men who allowed their inhibitions to fade and  in doing so, gave us, and will give the world, the opportunity to be touched by this amazing and awe inspiring art. 

For more information please email Michael Colanero at BCABPP@uncommonstock.net

Find Breast Cancer Awareness Body Painting Project (BCABPP) on Facebook

Visit Cafe Press to support BCABPP

Photos used with permission of Michael D.Colanero & UNCOMMON GALLERY.

All Rights Reserved

THIRD TIME... Please let it be the "charm"!

JENN COPP

Next week will start what is hopefully my last round of tests for my thyroid cancer.

I go three days in a row and get a shot.  On the last day I get a full body scan. I have done this two other times in the past two years  and have walked out with the result that the cancer was still there. They say it should never go more than two times with that result.

So I am hoping for a negative outcome this time around! And then I can move on with my life. If not I will deal. Like I have with all other things in my life and be strong. From this cancer prognosis and the failing of a marriage, which happened at the same time, I have forged ahead. I have found myself and the direction I want my life to be in. It has given me a sense that this is my life and I need to live it! I can no longer accept things in my life that I once did. Life is to short.

Cancer has brought me some amazing friends. I have a friend, "no name". When this person found out what I was going through they were there for me every step of the way. Since, "No Name", had been through the same exact thing. As each appointment came up. I heard what to expect and I was told I would be fine. I got messages, from "No Name",  asking me if I was okay. Hang in there they said. To this day we are still great friends. To complete these tests I have to be on a iodine free diet for 2 weeks.  Having been on a no iodine diet for 2 weeks, "No Name", told me that when they did that, they lost 18 pounds. WOW! That is, like, music to my ears. Could there really be this positive in my negative?!  And, to think just in time for beach season! Who is better than me! This diet is pretty hard to do I have to say, but I am worth it !!!!


Jenn's Websites - Check them out!
http://www.runwithitreps.com/
http://www.justsweetscandy.com/




         

WHICH COMES FIRST...
THE ANSWER OR THE QUESTION


Tony Walker


One of the first things I do when I get on the computer is see what's happening at the Delayed Reaction Lounge. I have to tell you a secret... I have no idea why this site is called Delayed Reaction. But when I read Barbara's "How's Your Hump" I started asking myself some questions about this blog, this site, & my life as a whole. 

Barbara thinks that Wednesday... or Hump Day.... is a middle of the week reminder that the weekend is coming but first you must finish out your chaotic week. She asks where is the living in a life of an over scheduled existence. In a world of so many responsibilities, where are the responsibilities to ourselves? Excellent points Barbara. 

That's when I started thinking about the name of this site. Does Delayed Reaction mean we lost ourselves in our thirties so our dreams were delayed? Is it time to revisit those dreams? 

Barbara's question of what about a responsibility to ourselves struck a chord with me. I definitely forgot my dreams for many years. It was a battle with cancer that made me realize