THE JOURNEY CONTINUES...

Barbara Ward-Finneran
It's National Autism Awareness Month.  Today is "Light it Up Blue" day.  I'm embarassed to say that I forgot to wear blue today, except for my blue jeans.  I will admit that that was accidental.  It didn't even dawn on me when my friend greeted me at her door in her 5K for Autism shirt.  Days ago I remembered that April was approaching and that, among other things, meant Autism awareness month and I needed to get writing something for this recently neglected blog.  Practically every day I want and hope to write and yet the days slip by and the posts happen less often then I'd like, and less often then they did not so long ago.  That said, writings fill my head of so often and lately just don't get tapped out on the keyboard.  But today cannot slip by without a post.  Two years ago I wrote Journey Through the Silence.  Every word still rings true today, for me, my family, my friends and so many on this journey - a journey with out and end.  Awareness is a great step but ACCEPTANCE needs to be our destination.  

I may not have remembered, but I didn't forget.  I couldn't forget.  My husband, sons and I walk this journey every day and we are so blessed to have dear friends who walk it with us as well as those who hold our hands along the way.  Today was a day like most others.  It's spring break in our neck of the woods and before my boys morning sleep over play date ended I was anxious to get the next activity planned.  A few texts later and a group of us were meeting at Subway for lunch.  Our adventure for the day.  Five bicycles, two moms, three hungry adolescent boys (two of whom have ASD) and a mile or two between us and food.  My dear friend greeted me at the door, (Autism shirt on), and we rallied the troops into helmets and were on our way.  A bike ride with some teen and or almost teen boys, not a big deal to many.  A great accomplishment for us.  A new triumph for us and our kids.  Another notch on our warrior belts.  Another friend met us there... and now we were three moms and five kids.  Three moms of spectrum kids... three moms who got each other as we slid through the chaos of the busy lunch line and order changes.  Even with the best laid plans --- there was going to be a 15 minute wait for meatballs (Change in plans - OH NO, you ASD moms get it).  Thankfully all rolled with that obstacle.  We sat.  The kids laughed and chattered.  We ate.  We talked.  We shared. The journey never ends...  Our friend who drove to meet us was leaving for an IEP meeting for her son.  My heart ached for her anxious nerves as it was so easy to remember gearing up for similar meetings.  There we sat, a group of moms like any other - blessed to have a decade of love and support between us.  Years of shared victories and heartaches.  Endless hours of advocating, supporting and at times venting.  (Occasionally adding wine when needed.)  We are just like other moms.  Only sometimes... often, we were different, and we got it, got each other... our places on the spectrum vary, but we got it. And, out of the deal got priceless friendships.  Having seen each other tears and held each others backs for years knowing there was strength in numbers and we give that to one another unconditionally.  To quote, Mazie La Bird, from Seussical the Musical, that all of children were in together, "How lucky, how lucky, how lucky you are". I wouldn't be where I am today with out the love and support of my family and friends.  My sons wouldn't be where there are and who they are without that same support system.  HOW LUCKY "WE" ARE...  

... A few minutes on Facebook this evening made me formally remember it was Light it Up Blue day.  I scrambled to share and post a few things and also posted a link to Journey through Silence.  Debated in my mind about a fresh post for today --- before today was over.  I was leaning towards letting it go, when I was messaged, (Someone had read my Journey link, ironically by a friend I made through DRL when she wrote a guest post. Never underestimate the power of a post, lol.)  Her words moved me to tears as she shared about young man in her life who lives with ASD and ending with: "God Bless you for setting the bar for parents who all too often do not advocate for their children.  I 'm honored to have you as my friend".

All too often we may take for granted what our words mean.  What it means when we wait in silence for those first words.  Or when we speak words of encouragement and faith.  Or when we share our journey so another doesn't feel alone.  When we can translate the words our tears speak whether from joy or pain.  When we speak words to advocate for our own and in doing so light the path for others.  Our words have power, more so when spoken with kindness love and acceptance.  

Be aware.  Be welcoming.  Be the voice with the words that someone needs to hear.  Be accepting... Awareness is a great step but ACCEPTANCE needs to be our destination.  Isn't that every mother's greatest wish, that our children be accepted and loved.  We aren't different at all!  

To all who walk with me --- I LOVE YOU - you know who you are! XOXOX
-Barbara

WHAT MATTERS

Barbara Ward-Finneran

Taking one day, one moment, at a time.

Laughing till it hurts and tears stream your cheeks.

Having faith beyond reason. 

Every little fantasy that can be a reality.

Caring for parents who always cared for you.

Songs that make you smile and warm your heart with memories.

Saying "I love you" and meaning it with actions & deeds

Being kind.

Praying when it's hardest to pray. 

Hugging the kids, for no reason at all, just because you can.

Keeping the promises that you make to yourself!

SOUL FOOD

Barbara Ward-Finneran 

Transformation must be for yourself or it will not be valid. The new person who emerges gains freedom from their "demons". The process can be painful - but if done with faith in yourself, hope for all you want to achieve, and love of who you are and will become - success will be a given! Choose it. Choose yourself!

Keep the promises that you make to yourself!

Photo Courtesy of Drawn 2 Designs, LLC

SOUL FOOD

Barbara Ward-Finneran

Never settle for a spark when your soul yearns for a roaring fire!

Find your passions. Intertwined with goals and dreams.  

Feed them and you unlock all your endless potential.  

Follow your passions.  For without them, is there purpose?  

Be alive in them. Let them drive you.

Allow them to be the wings that give your spirit flight. 

Only then...  can all the rest follow!

Keep the promises that you make to yourself!

Photo Courtesy of Barbara Ward-Finneran and Drawn 2 Design, LLC

©  All Rights Reserved

COMFORT ZONE - Part I

Barbara Ward-Finneran

The "Comfort Zone", usually a great place to be, a fine place to hang out.  But, truth be told, one can become very complacent if they hang there too long.  There is such a thing as being too comfortable.  Dare I say, if you stay there too long it's boring.  It's an easy place to be ---and in this fast paced, over scheduled life, who doesn't like easy?  Aren't easy and boring very different? Which is worse?  Can't either be a blessing or a curse? There are days I'd beg for boring.  Usually in the desire for the not dramatic, non eventful, less then two hours of homework, and car breaking down for the 3rd time in 8 weeks kind of way (Oh, yes, it did, UGH! Can't even get think about the bill - YIKES!).  It's usually a more personal occurrence that transpires for us to realize that we are in a rut.  To borrow a line from Oprah, an "ah-ha" moment, that thought, that makes you glow rather then imagine your reflection in the mirror with a hand in the shape of an "L" on your forehead.  Knowing you have to break free from stuck in rut, doesn't mean that you aren't busy beyond words, or burning the candle at both ends and in the middle with a blow torch.  Or working your bottom off to make ends meet, and doing a cracker -jack job at it --- but rather the root of this rut is when consistently everything is more of the same ol', same ol', day in and day out.  Life needs a little shake up sometimes.  I don't mean those unexpected and often un-welcomed "bumps" in the road that we are taught to embrace. Not the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" stuff.  Something you plan.  A challenge.  An adventure.  Then even the same ol', same ol', can seem fresh and new.  It can be small or it can be big.  But if you shake things up it'll make something in your life just a little bit prettier.  Not certain about that theory?  Look at that dollar store snow globe that you forgot to pack away with the holiday trims.  Now shake it.  Instant beauty.  Isn't that what a challenge does for us? Shakes up our insides and gets the blood and adrenaline flowing. Whether it's because you are excited or terrified, the effect is often the same.  As is that sense of accomplishment when the task is completed.  When you exhale and smile with pride.  Instant beauty!  

SOUL FOOD

Barbara Ward-Finneran

Dream big dreams, but relish all the small goals along the way.  Those small steps change things. You'll only catch flight on your dreams if your desires and actions push you to soar.

Keep the promises that you make to yourself!

Photo Courtesy of Barbara Ward-Finneran and Drawn 2 Design, LLC

©  All Rights Reserved

LET GO TO HOLD ON

Barbara Ward-Finneran
Two days ago I lost myself in a few glasses of wine.  Not something I often do.  Just three. Three small glasses. Way more then enough for me. It was enough to push the tears.  To allow my guard to go down and the tears to silently slide shinny paths across my cheeks.  Sometimes you cry for nothing.  Sometimes you cry for everything.  Sometimes you don't even know exactly why.  Sometimes your heart aches for everything that is and everything that isn't.  Sometimes you are just plain overwhelmed by every little thing.  Keeping yourself together can be exhausting at times and it's only when you pause, that the inertia breaks and the dam busts.  When you keep going, going, going and it's all "good".  Stop and you might melt in a puddle.  Might stall.  Might not be able to start again. It takes more effort to keep it all together then to fall apart. Yet, so rarely do we allow ourselves to fall... the pieces scatter where they may... and sometimes amazingly, if you actually allow them to fall... then the pieces fit back together again. Then you feel lighter, freer, better.

Doesn't matter what your tears are for and where they come from; anger, sadness, loss, despair, missing an old friend, or even when they are joyfully happy - you deserve to take the time to feel them. Slow down. Breathe, just breathe. Sometimes before you can move forward you have to stop and catch you balance.  Take care of the moment, take care of  yourself.  Be authentic and true to yourself and your feelings.  Sometimes you have to let go to once again be in control.  If you allow your tears to cleanse your heart and free your soul... wash away the worries and the what ifs...  Then you can look with fresh eyes and once again find your wine glass half full.  Find the beauty in every situation. Focusing on those things that rejuvenate you and give you hope amid all the other "stuff" that life deals you.  Remind yourself to never stop believing that you can always have a new beginning.  A few tears, a new moment, a new day, a new week, or new year --- All bring a fresh start and infinite possibilities.  Choose between turning the page or closing the book.  You are the author of what comes next.  Let go, to hold on. Find your footing on this amazing journey before you called life.  The best is yet unwritten... Feel it, live it, love it!  

WHAT MATTERS

Barbara Ward-Finneran

Hugs from your kids.

Sleeping in during christmas break.

Leftovers that you like to nibble on.

Remembering it's never to late to dreaming BIG.

Sharing a smile with a stranger. 

The ache in your heart because you love someone enough to miss them.

When you fall down, get up laughing.

Hearing your son's voice crack and change and bursting with pride at the young man he is becoming.

Memories that warm your heart.

A glass a wine with time for you and it to breathe.

Family. Especially the family that you choose. 

Giving tears their time.

Friends, the once that will forever be there - ALWAYS BE THERE!

Keeping the promises that you make to yourself!

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WHAT MATTERS

Barbara Ward-Finneran

Friends & family... and friends that are family

Gratitude for all the little things

Strangers and neighbors who care and share

Ideas and love - you can never run out of either

The scent of you favorite flowers in the air

A warm sea breeze on your cool skin

Remembering someone who is grieving

The light of the full moon reminding you there is always a way through the darkness

Keeping the promises that you make to yourself!

WHAT MATTERS

Barbara Ward-Finneran

Memories that escape as tears.

Bear hugs from the kids.

Being present to where you are right now.

Facing your fears.

Kissing passionately.

Quieting your mind and listening to your inner voice.

Appreciating the beauty all around you.

Knowing when to hold on and when to let go.

The power of prayers. 

Keeping the promises that you make to yourself!

SOUL FOOD

Barbara Ward-Finneran

Set your sights on success and strech the limits of your dreams. Trust yourself enough to believe in the power that lies within you. The groundwork of achieving your goals is accomplished by holding fast to faith, determination and action filled motivation. You must risk failure to find favorable victories. 

Keep the promises that you make to yourself!

©  All Rights Reserved

SOUL FOOD

Barbara Ward-Finneran

Your dreams remain only dreams unless you actively pursue them. 

Trust your heart to know what you are meant to do. 

Step up to the challenge. 

Thrive under the pressure - for darkness and doubts as dark as coal are born to diamonds that way. 

Keep the promises that you make to yourself!

©  All Rights Reserved

SOUL FOOD

Barbara Ward-Finneran

The most difficult challenges hold the greatest rewards. 

Strength and courage are born from tenacity. 

All of the pieces to the secret formula to your success are within you. 

It's in your soul. Dare to risk what you are to become all your heart has always known!

Keep the promises that you make to yourself!

Photo Courtesy of Barbara Ward-Finneran and Drawn 2 Design, LLC

©  All Rights Reserved

WHAT MATTERS

Barbara Ward-Finneran

Friends who are always there.

Facing the "pain".

Turning dreams into plans. 

Celebrating your strengths.

Actions rather then reactions.

Knowing "baby steps" count. 

Allowing yourself to sometimes give into temptation. 

Loving with all your heart - even when it hurts.

Watching sunsets. 

Keeping the promises that you make to yourself!

INSTANT REPLAY

Barbara Ward-Finneran
Scarlett... cherry... candy apple...fire engine... even blood red. I love those colors lacquered on my nails or shinning on my lips. That flash of a power color that can scream confidence when it wraps around you with just the right fashion statement or lifts you to new heights in the perfect strappy stiletto. Red's my perfect color. Any shade is my favorite...

I tell the woman that I have rolling veins as she ties off the tourniquet on my arm and swabs antiseptic at the soft flesh of my inner elbow.  "This will pinch a little." All the thoughts and emotions had already begun to hurt long before she  manages to hit a vein on her first attempt.  Is it better to hurt or feel nothing at all? I twinge.  My fist tightens and my long nails jab into my palm as I watch her push the needle deeper into my arm to make the blood pour out.  The dark red color flushes the tube and fills it quickly.  The "tech"  effortlessly switches from one tube to the next.  Usually I'd turn away, but I can't break my glance from watching.  Almost feeling like I need to observe and see, so that it doesn't seem so surreal.  It's been over two years since I've done this and it all resembles some sort of an instant replay in my mind.  I was lucky last time. No, blest would be a better word.  Now I wonder, will lightening strike twice?

Sure, anyone who knows me, knows I love red.  My power color of choice.  Watching it fill up a vial so it can be screened to answer the cancer question leaves you feeling anything but powerful.  Watching it be labeled and tagged with numbers, it's just a number to the lab, yet to me it's so personal.  Personal enough to effect the rest of my life.  The tubes are so covered with stickers now that the beautiful rich hue of the blood can hardly be seen.  The "tech" makes small talk about it going around the country.  First to Tampa and then to California.  Once there in some magical medical place it will be screened with a state of the art process.  Professionals searching this life giving liquid for the proverbial needle in a haystack.  Searching for microscopic markers, and/or tell a tale break away cells, and/or hormonal changes, in a sample that contains billions of normal blood cells.  I have no comprehension of how many "markers" or cells will tilt the scale.  Make this concern of malignancy all the more real.  I hate tests that I can't study for, I much prefer to be in control of my ability to ace it.  Right now, I have no control.  The score from 1 to 10 is out of my hands.  "The mass has grown and changed, it is more solid, more textured"... the doctors words echo through my mind.  I can't shake something in her tone.  There is just an inflection in it that robs me just the slightest of feeling as confident about this as I did in round one back in 2010. 

I'm not even sure it's her voice as much as my own gut, just knowing something is different.  I knew.  Before the sonograms that confirmed the changes  had even been performed - I had already told a friend it'll have to come out this time.  I knew my waiting and watching time was over - this time the ovarian mass/tumor will be removed.  I was right.  Seeing the doctor's caller ID on my phone after hours the day of the sonogram made my heart beat slightly out of rhythm for a moment.  Hearing the doctor's voice on the phone confirmed my instincts before her words could define the situation. Her words changing from positive to worse case scenario in brief moments.  More tests and surgery scheduled in less then five minutes flat. 

Surgery scheduled just five days before my current medical benefits end.  After 18 years of dedication, service and ministry at my job, I became "victim" to a reduction of force.  My position, if I return to it, will be part time and all benefits will be banished at the end of the current contract.  I certainly won't be ready to report back to work on the 7th day following my surgery, ironically, I also lost all of my many days of acquired sick time.  None of this gives one any kind of warm fuzzy and this double whammy has packed quite a punch. 

Honestly, I've been kind of reeling some days.  Fighting for hours with the insurance company with endless phone calls and 800 numbers. That to which I don't think you'd believe unless you've "been there and done that", in your own attempts to advocate for coverage for yourself or someone you love.  Optimistic and positive the majority of the time and had many moments of needing to hug my kids "right now" in that intense way that a cat has to be from point "A" to point "B" in a nano-second. 

Yesterday the diagnostic tests were done.  The fighting with the insurance company has reached a cease fire while they review the documentation (although they already called today looking for more paperwork) for my gap coverage exception.  More irony and a whole other blog about how the thousands and thousands of dollars that I pay for my family's medical insurance still can get you nowhere if what you need isn't on the plan or in the right network. 

But today it doesn't matter.  It's all "done" now.  I feel a little lighter despite the wait.  Despite the wonder of where I'll score and if meeting and oncologist is in my immediate future.  At this point I have done all I can do and it is what it is.  I have been embraced by my friends and family and I know that no matter the road ahead they will be there every step of the way. With every twist and turn, "Jesus take the wheel".

Yet, I've been having trouble writing... feeling like the posts all sound the same.  Feeling "fake" trying to wrap my head around inspiring words that would be read worthy. Trying to push my usual genre of "pollyiana positive"... yet you can't force what isn't there. Quite frankly, it's been a little MIA some days.  "You gotta write what you feel", a friend recently reminded me.  As profoundly positive as I am that I will be okay.  Those feelings linger that okay may be redefined.  At one moment I'm ready to face it head on and in another I'm flushed with emotion and wishing the tears would come so I could have that soul cleansing release.  Yet I can't cry.  The tears won't come.  And, I don't know and can't explain why.  Even running in the driving rain, one of my cure alls for the need for a good cry, hasn't dispensed the bowing dam.  I guess the tears will come when they are ready.  When I am ready.  Maybe they won't come at all.  (I haven't cried since that week last month.  The worst emotional week of my life since I buried my Dad over 18 years ago. In five days I had a falling out with a very dear friend whose permanent absence I couldn't fathom but seemed very possible, and left me gut wrenchingly numb.  Followed by being served with the inevitable but ever looming papers on our home. To knowing that my tumor was rearing it's ugly head to finishing on Friday with a severe reduction of force where I work.  Watching people I love be laid off and other positions "cut" to part time. Sadly, this wasn't new or surprising. Those of us who still remain on the job have already seen way too much of this before that Friday.  I didn't cry then, or at all that week. Days later I did, running on the beach in the rain.)  Is it better to hurt or feel nothing at all?  Maybe I'm gut wrenchingly numb again.  Yet that hollow hole I felt in the pit of my stomach that emotional week... I feel nothing there now.  Perhaps those tears will surface during my last ever PMS.  (Oh, did I mention that with this surgery comes full blown menopause.) Eh! Screw the tears! (I'm sure they will have their time) Bring on the chocolate and the wine - and look out world - I'm thinking the last period of you life you can plan to be a b*tch in heels!  LOL......  Who knows.  It could happen. Anything's possible!