BEING FUNNY IS SERIOUS BUSINESS

Tony Walker

So...... The Lovely Barbara of The Lovely Lounge asked me if I'd be interested in writing something about the serious side of being funny.

What an interesting idea!

I admit, at first I thought I could write about how putting together comedy shows for a living is serious business. You need to write something that's funny not stupid. You may have the restrictions of not being dirty... being dirty is easy. You have to deal with performers-who can rehearse on what night, who committed to something but now can't commit to half the shit they committed to, making sure we have all the props & materials needed for the show, making sure the sound system works, etc. Believe me, I could write about all that & I will in other posts.... especially with the year I've had!!

But I'm not going to write about the funny business now. I'm going to write about how hard it is to be funny in life. How hard it is to keep smiling during tough times.  Sickness. Marriage crumbling. Financial issues. The list goes on & on. We all have several reasons not to smile.

I'm there too. 2012 was one of the worst years of my life!

But we can't let these catastrophes bring us down. If they bring us down they win! Then we're defined by it. The first few years that followed after my cancer, I saw the look on certain people's faces when I walked into a room. "There's the cancer guy" was written all over many people's faces. There was no f*cking way I was going to let cancer define me. Here we are, almost 10 years since I've been cancer free, & no one looks at me as the cancer guy anymore.

How did that happen? By smiling & being funny. I made a conscious & serious decision to be funny all the time. Everywhere I go I am smiling & making jokes. At meetings, at my kids' school, walking down the street, etc. Everywhere.

Let me tell you... it's hard work to be funny. It's serious shit. But the payoff is incredible. So many people are more willing to help me if I need something because I made them laugh. So many people are more friendly to me. So many people remember me. So many people will be my friend. 

As Heath Ledger said.... "Why so serious???" It just doesn't make sense to me. Smile damnit! Be pleasant & people will be pleasant to you! What a difference that makes in your day & in your all around mood when you have a pleasant atmosphere!! And it's contagious! You're fun & pleasant, soon everyone else around you is, & life doesn't seem so bad.

About a year ago I knew this serious work of being funny paid off. I was at a school function. I had to introduce myself to someone. When I did her response was, "Oh I know you." Immediately I thought she was going to say, "You're the one with cancer" or "You're the one legged guy." But no.... she said, "You're the comedy guy." WOO HOO!!!! Why yes! Yes I am!!!! Take that cancer!!! Take that & your serious shit!!

So you heard it from me. Start smiling & make a serious effort to be funny at all times. Stop being so stuffy! Be human!! Be fun!! I said so.

Eventually I'll share with you all the seriousness it takes to run a comedy business!!! There will be funny and not so funny stories to tell.  Being funny is serious business!

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HE SAID... WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THERE'S A STORM BREWING?

Tony Walker
Here in NY, Long Island in particular, we are dealing with the devastation of Hurricane Sandy. I was going to write something about that storm but decided against it. There are a million places to see, hear, & read about the hurricane. I've decided to stick with what I do best.... and if anyone knows what that is please let me know.

This week's He Said is actually a "He's Asking".  So my question is: Do you stay together for the kids sake or not?

Right now I know 3 people who are in their marriages solely for the kids. These people believe that splitting up with their spouse would mess up their kids. I'm sure all of you have heard that reasoning from someone you know. But is staying together for the kids sake doing more damage? If you're fighting, do you want the kids to witness that? Maybe you're not fighting but you're miserable... do you want your kids growing up thinking that being married means being miserable? Of these three I speak of, one woman recently told her husband that she doesn't love him anymore so right now they're together for the kids. She's so happy she finally got this off her chest that one would never know her marriage is over. So is fooling the kids an option too?

I look at my life.... my father split when my mother was pregnant with me. I lived with my mother, brother, & grandmother. My best friend was right next door & there were plenty of kids on my street & in our neighborhood. I had a great childhood. Later in life I found out my father was a screw up his whole life until he died in a bizarre motorcycle crash in his early 40's. I was 10 when it happened. I realized I was better off with my parents NOT together. 

Based on my own story, my vote is to not stay together for the kids sake. 

Tell me and all of us at DRL what you think. 

Do you agree with me? Do you know kids who got messed up because his/her parents split?

DRL SAID, HE SAID'S BACK! ... WE'VE MISSED YOU MR. WALKER

TONY WALKER
So I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with a big way to mark my return to the lovely ladies of my favorite Lounge in the whole world.

There's only one way to mark that return... talking about sex!!!

But don't worry... I am going to go easy on you guys. I am going to ask you one question, a question you've been asked before.
WHERE IS THE CRAZIEST PLACE YOU'VE HAD SEX?

Now don't get all prim and proper on me and refuse to answer this question! You ladies talk about sex just as much as us guys! Don't even think about denying it!  So "man up" & tell us your story. Give me a comment!

My craziest was in a movie theatre. I didn't hit a home run but I made it to 3rd base. It was really cool. 

I know you Loungers can beat me though... I mean beat my story. Surely there are some mommy's bedroom, out in public, at the baseball field people out there. Let's hear your story!!! Give me some comments.....!

HE SAID... MOMMY PORN

Tony Walker

What's with this 50 Shades Of Gray $hit?
I haven't read the book, or books, whatever it is.... but everyone says it's "Mommy porn." A term I hate by the way.
What makes the "porn" in this book more acceptable than actual porn?
Why is it ok for this book to be "mommy porn" but the videos I watch on YouPorn frowned upon?
Have you ladies been into porn all this time? If so why don't you sit & watch some with your man? Your man would LOVE IT!!! Some of you may even convince your man to watch "He's Just Not That Into You" & all the other chick flicks if you sit & watch some porn with him!!!
Someone explain this to me please. Better yet.... grab some red wine, come over to my house, kick off your shoes, climb into bed with me & read 50 Shades Of Gray to me!!!!

HE SAID... Tony Walker is running for President!!!!!

TONY WALKER

This week's He Said is more like a He's Bitching.

A very good friend of mine is down on her luck. She's fighting with someone close to her, her house is in foreclosure, & she just had her hours cut at her job. She also lost all her benefits there with the cuts.
 

This makes me mad. Real mad. I personally believe every citizen of our great Country is entitled to medical benefits. I personally think it's a disgrace that this country profits from our illnesses. I am disgusted about this financial depression we're in.

Why are we in this depression? What companies are hurting? The oil companies aren't! The "Verigreedy" bastards who threw me aside because I have one leg aren't hurting! They're all making record profits while most of us live paycheck to paycheck!!

My friend has worked her ass off for years. She's never been in any trouble. She's a kind, hard working, tax paying citizen. These kind of things should not be happening to these kind of people!! Yet it's happening all over.

Why bother working if there are no benefits? No retirement packages? Let's all sit home & collect unemployment or disability.... they come with some benefits. You can get money for sitting at home all day reading Facebook statuses!

People wanna work. People wanna put pride into what they do. There's nothing wrong with being rewarded for that. Rewarded with good pay & benefits for you & your family!!!

I say it's time for a do over!! No more Republicans! No more Democrats!! NO MORE POLITICIANS!! Time for people who truly care to lead this Country back to greatness!!!

Tony Walker is running for President!!!!!

HE SAID... DING DONG, WTF?!?!

TONY WALKER
I need to vent about a recent "What the @#$%" moment.
This past Sunday morning at 4:44AM my doorbell rang.

Immediately Lisa & I wake up & think something's wrong. All the classic Lifetime Channel moments are in place-a quiet moment, doorbell rings, dog barks, scared children, etc.
Of course I jump out of bed but there is nothing I can do since I can't walk... (no, people with prosthetics do not sleep with their legs on).... so it's up to Lisa.

She looks through the glass in the middle of the door. She sees a man, late teens/early twenties, bent over like a baseball player in "ready position." She's convinced this man is getting ready to bust in. She yells for me to call the cops.
Lisa then screams, "What do you want?!"
The man yells, "I found a dog. Is it yours or do you know who it belongs to?"
"NO"
"OK. Sorry to bother you."

Turns out the guy was in that position because he was bent over holding the dog by his collar.
I look out the window & watch the man & the dog walk away. I hung up the phone.
While it's possible this guy was looking to do something criminal, I believe he was just a moron who rang someone's bell at 4:44 in the morning.

In this world of cell phones, why not just call the cops & let them handle the dog?
Why not take the dog home & throw him/her in your backyard until waking hours?
WTF?!
Thanks for scaring the shit out of my kids.
Thanks for scaring the shit out of my wife. She couldn't sleep the rest of the morning.
Jackass!!!

What would you have done if you found a dog in the middle of the night?
Would you knock on someone's door?

HE SAID... Give me a break!

TONY WALKER

This week's He Said should be called He's Begging.

With the summer approaching my wife & I are trying to figure out what to do with our son for the summer.

Our daughter is Autistic. Our school district has a wonderful summer program for the special needs population. 

Our son used to attend that program but the program is geared more towards the Autistic Spectrum so he doesn't go there anymore.

Our boy is ADHD.  Last year was the first year he didn't attend our district's special needs summer program. Instead he attended a summer "rec" program for all the "typical" kids. What a disaster that was.

So this year we're looking for a program that is sensitive to ADHD.

WOW! Look at all the programs here on Long Island! There are a ton of programs that appear to be perfect for him!  COOL!!

Wait.... what? $6000?? That can't be right.... let's check another program.... $4000??? WHAT?! Another program.... a 2 week program at a local college.... $3900 FOR A 2 WEEK PROGRAM????

How can this be?????

We can hardly afford the $400 price tag for a week at Scout Camp!!! How the hell are we going to do a summer program that is worth more than my wife's car????

So I am begging for answers.... have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? 

I was thinking of selling my body but I'd most likely end up owing more money!!!

Nothing against the "typical" kids but they have so many options. Our special needs kids can't go without some kind of structure for the whole summer. We pay the same school taxes yet we have to pay more for special needs after school activities & summer programs! It's so unfair!!

I'm begging!!! Someone give me a solution..... one I can afford!!!

HE SAID... DO YOU HAVE A "ONE THAT GOT AWAY"?

TONY WALKER

This week's He Said asks a question.... how many of you have a "one who got away?"

I was talking to a dear friend.... she was telling me about a guy. She's known this guy was "the one" since 1986. But he got away. To this day they both say they still have feelings for each other & realize, despite happy lives, they missed the boat.

My friend said she misses him so much & sometimes has a hard time with it. Meanwhile he appears to be fine with it... or so she thinks.

I spoke to a buddy of mine, a guy, who told me a long long time ago about his "one who got away." This buddy agreed women appear to have a harder time with this kind of situation... again, they appear to have a harder time.... my buddy says the men have just as hard a time as the women, the men just hide it better. My buddy really opened up to me about how he longs for his soulmate, his "one that got away". He has a good life-a wife and kids-but he feels a connection, a love for his "one." He claims his "one" feels the same. They've felt this way since 1987 & still talk about it to this day!

I know a few other people who claim they're the victims of "the one who got away." They all have different reasons why "the one" got away.... fights, religious, financial, jobs, family, etc. Yet, years later, they still yearn for that person. Now with the power of Facebook, many of these "ones" are finding their way back. Problem is, most of the ones I know are married people having affairs.

This got me thinking.... are these people really missing "the one" or are they in love with a memory? A what might have been notion? Has life hit them & their spouse so hard that they think of an earlier time & associate someone from that earlier time which turns them into "the one?" But, then... take the two friends I am talking about... they've never stopped loving their "one" since the eighties!! So are there a ton of people out there who have let "the one" get away? Just like that movie "The Notebook."

If you have let that "one" get away, why don't you go get that person? Isn't your happiness more important than anything else?

Tell us what you think...
Are you in this kind of situation? Why don't you drop everything & start a life with "the one?"
Do you think Facebook is enhancing people's temptations?

HE SAID.... No Excuses

Tony Walker
This week's He Said is one of those where I make no excuses for the men & ask my fellow man "WTF"?

Two weeks ago we had a guest speaker at our SEPTA meeting.
Special
Ed
Parent
Teacher
Assoc

I am the Co-President of Wantagh SEPTA. When I was introduced to the speaker she said, "Wow! A male SEPTA President. That's wonderful!"
In my head I'm wondering what the hell was that all about.
The speaker's topic was about being a parent without losing sense of being a couple with your spouse. I bet most of us here can say we've become parents & lost being a couple.
Then I saw all the couples that came to see the presentation. That's when it hit me that this was the most amount of men we've ever had in my time around SEPTA.

So after the presentation I asked the speaker if the lack of men is a wide problem. She said it is. but doesn't know why.  Well if she doesn't know I sure as shit don't know!!!

So what's up fellas?  Are you too macho? Are you afraid to admit your kid is special needs? Do you not believe in special needs & think that a knock in the head is what your kid needs?  Ladies-do you struggle with your man when it comes to dealing with the kids?  Do you have a special needs child that your man doesn't fully acknowledge?

We need to have some father support groups. I know there are some out there. I'll start checking some out.

Maybe I shouldn't talk about this & give away the secrets..... so many hot moms show up at these meetings & I'm the only guy there!!! WOO HOO!!!!

By the way, the speaker's name is Fran Prezant. She has a few books out on a variety of topics. I highly recommend checking her out!!!

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

Tony Walker

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!

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WORRIES ARE WICKED

Tony Walker

In March my little girl turned 13. I officially have a teenage daughter!

Watching our kids get older is a reminder of how fast time is going isn't it?

For me & probably many of you it is also a reminder of something very fearful.

What's going to happen??

My daughter is autistic. High functioning but still autistic.

Will she be be able to get a job?

Will she able to hold that job?

Will the job be something she enjoys or will she be wiping tables at some restaurant?

Will she be able to have her own place?

Will she be able to fulfill her dream of getting married & having 4 kids?

Will she be ok????

I am worried. I am very freaking worried. 

Most likely my son will do the right thing by looking out for his sister, help her out, etc. But it's not fair to him. Who knows where his dreams will take him.

Sometimes I tell myself not to worry... focus on the now. Other times I get crazy because high school graduation is right around the corner. I don't wanna be holding my dick & wondering what the hell do I do now!

How do you guys handle this? Do you plan or do you not worry???

HE SAID.... Ladies I have a question for you...

Tony Walker

OK ladies.... I have a question for you.

Is there such a thing as common decency? If so, what is it?

We all have certain lines we won't cross when we're with people we don't know very well. But when we're with people we know very well those lines get blurred.

I hope this isn't sexist... but in my experiences it's a woman who will be the first to complain that a line has been crossed. 

Lately I've been having a conversation with a friend who is a woman. I will be the first to admit that I've done & said some crazy things in front of this woman. Was I trying to be offensive? No. Was I purposely crossing a line? No.

But I am being told that if I had any common decency I never would've "went there" in the first place. 

Let me throw in here that by this woman's own admission she did not make it known that she was uncomfortable.

I have to admit... I don't understand this. I am not agreeing or disagreeing... I don't understand. 

Is someone crossing a line if they don't know it? Once they know it they should respect their boundaries (which I have done) but I am being told I should've known better in the first place. 

Don't we all push our boundaries & say politically incorrect things around close friends? Don't we all push or stay back depending on who we're with? So who is to say what is common decency?

Or am I getting it all wrong? Maybe common decency are the obvious lines that no one crosses.... I don't know.

Let me make something clear here.... I am not judging anyone for having a line. Just because I don't have one doesn't means you shouldn't either. BUT I don't  expect to be judged because I don't have one or because my version of common decency is different from someone else's. 

So help me out. What's your version of common decency?

HE SAID.... Ladies I have one word for you...

FART!
Tony Walker

I'm a guy. I fart. I fart a lot. I fart all the time.
What's wrong with that??
I can understand not liking the smell. But sometimes there is no smell & almost every time the smell is gone in 2 seconds!
How the hell do you women hold those damn things in? How have you not exploded by now??? There must be some crazy noises going on in the ladies room!!
But here's my thing.... it's a natural function. I do it, you do it, he does it, she does it, even dogs do it. So what?
I admit I am like a 5 year old when it comes to farting. I laugh hysterically at all the crazy noises our asses make. It never gets old either. I've had farting fests with my friends!
Personally I admire a woman who can fart in front of us guys. That means she is comfortable enough around us to do it.
It's symbolic of our close friendship!!
So what's the big deal about farting???

HE SAID.... It's the little things

Tony Walker

This week's He Said is about the little things.

No not my little thing....

Well I guess my little thing has something to do with this....

Ladies, all the time on TV, articles, in conversation, etc. the women always say, "It's the little things that count. A hug, a kiss, saying you love me, a touch on the shoulder as you pass by me," blah blah blah.

Well I'm here to call you ladies out on this!!!

I want someone to tell me just exactly what one of those "little things" do for you. I ask because whenever I fight with a woman & attempt a "little thing" I still get the cold shoulder! And I'm lucky if that's all I get!! 

Sometimes I get the brush off!

Sometimes she ducks me!

Sometimes she tells me to go F%&@ myself!

Sometimes I get accused of sucking up to take away from whatever we are disagreeing about!

My favorite... sometimes as I try to use my little thing the response is "EWWWWW!!"

Let me point out that this happens no matter who is the wrong one in the disagreement. Sometimes no one is in the wrong. Sometimes it could just be 2 different opinions, yet I still end up trying the "little things" approach!

It's not the fact that I have a little thing, it's what I do with it. Doesn't that account for anything???

Am I using my little thing too soon? 

I am always willing to use my little thing to keep peace! No not piece... peace!!

Let us know what you think. Do you really appreciate the little things? 

INSTANT KARMA'S GONNA GET YOU

Tony Walker
Back in 2002 I went to see a Paul McCartney concert at the Nassau Coliseum. I had pretty good seats. McCartney's wife at the time, Heather Mills, walked right past me.
Being the pig that I am I was checking her out as she walked further from me. She was a looney but very beautiful.
Remember Heather Mills is an amputee. Sure enough, as I am watching her she somehow fell.
Being the a$$hole I am I laughed out loud.
Paul's friend, John Lennon, the man who wrote Instant Karma, must have been watching from the heavens.
Six months later I was diagnosed with cancer which led to me becoming an amputee.
True story.

Another true story....
Back in 1989 I went to see The Monkees in concert at Westbury Music Fair.
Westbury Music Fair has a rectangular stage that slowly rotates during the show so everyone has a good seat.
Well during the song Valleri, Davy Jones starts running backwards as he's singing. He ran backwards right off the stage & tumbled.... & tumbled... & tumbled.
Being the as$$hole that I am I laughed for three days.
With Davy's passing it means that due to karma I will start non-stop tumbling any day now.

WHEN I GROW UP

TONY WALKER
This week the father of a close friend passed.
Death has been on my mind a lot lately with the death of some childhood heroes, Gary Carter & Davy Jones.... yes I am a huge fan of Monkees music.
I never knew my friend's father. I met him a few times but that was back when we were kids. After attending the funeral today I realized that this man & his son, my friend are also heroes.
Not to take away from Carter & Jones, but you don't have to be on their level to be a hero.
Bill Thomas was a firefighter & a devoted husband.
His son Michael gave one of the most touching speeches I've ever heard. He talked about how his father's best attributes have passed on to him & his siblings.
The one that stuck with me most was the one that my pal Brian inherited. A sense of humor bigger than he is (& he is a big man) & a devoted husband/father.
Brian Thomas spends almost every minute of his day (when he's not working) doing something with or for his kids.... always with a smile on his face.
Scouts, building something in the backyard, hunting, etc.
Brian's wife, Heather, is a very sweet woman with a sweet smile. Being married to Brian she must do a lot of laughing at home. If you know Brian you agree, I know you do.
To you this post may sound like I am gay for Brian. I'm not.
I'm just being honest. In my opinion there is no bigger hero than someone like Brian or his dad.... someone who can be a devoted husband for 50 years & be a special dad is the ultimate.
That's what I wanna be when I grow up.

YOUR PRESIDENT, HE SAID... I hope I die before I get old

Tony Walker

This week my good friend's father passed away.
As most Catholic's do, the whole process of saying goodbye is dragged out.

So I felt I should be there more than once as a sign of respect to my good friend.

While there the second night, something scary occurred to me.
Have I reached the age where wake's are a social gathering with friends I haven't seen in a long time???
It can't be!!! I'm not old!!!! Wait... who is that bald, gray haired, fat guy in the mirror... holy %$#@ it's me!!!!

I saw Towers, DeBenedettos, Curleys, Voights, so on & so on.
I haven't seen some of these people in years!!!! I loved seeing them but I wish it was a different scenario.
Are we so tied up in life that we can't make time for these people?
Are these the places I am going to catch up with old friends?

Soon I'll be wearing flannels, caps, & khakis all the time.
Soon I'll be hanging out at the OTB.
Soon I'll be going to Church every morning.
Soon I'll be yelling at children to get off my grass.

I hope I die before I get old.... or is it too late????

YOUR PRESIDENT, HE SAID...

Tony Walker
Since I will be the next President of The United States, from now on my He Said's will be Your President, He Said.
As your President I will legalize prostitution.
Have you ever thought about why prostitution is illegal??
Sure some of you think it's disgusting. Some of you think it's bad for health reasons. Some of you think men who cheat with prostitutes should be tortured.
I am not arguing any of those points. But are those reasons why it should be illegal??

Why should we deny the right for a man or woman to get laid???
Everybody wants some! I want some too!!!
If that's the easiest (or only) way someone can get some love, shouldn't they be allowed?
If it's legal, the places it occurs may improve. The prostitutes may be healthier women if it's legal.
If someone is doing it behind their spouses back, you're on your own. This President ain't touchin that!
Sex sells.... spending money & regulating legal sex would improve spending, pay taxes, create jobs, etc. This could be a major boost for our floundering economy!!
What do you think? Should prostitution be legal?