HE SAID... WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THERE'S A STORM BREWING?

Tony Walker
Here in NY, Long Island in particular, we are dealing with the devastation of Hurricane Sandy. I was going to write something about that storm but decided against it. There are a million places to see, hear, & read about the hurricane. I've decided to stick with what I do best.... and if anyone knows what that is please let me know.

This week's He Said is actually a "He's Asking".  So my question is: Do you stay together for the kids sake or not?

Right now I know 3 people who are in their marriages solely for the kids. These people believe that splitting up with their spouse would mess up their kids. I'm sure all of you have heard that reasoning from someone you know. But is staying together for the kids sake doing more damage? If you're fighting, do you want the kids to witness that? Maybe you're not fighting but you're miserable... do you want your kids growing up thinking that being married means being miserable? Of these three I speak of, one woman recently told her husband that she doesn't love him anymore so right now they're together for the kids. She's so happy she finally got this off her chest that one would never know her marriage is over. So is fooling the kids an option too?

I look at my life.... my father split when my mother was pregnant with me. I lived with my mother, brother, & grandmother. My best friend was right next door & there were plenty of kids on my street & in our neighborhood. I had a great childhood. Later in life I found out my father was a screw up his whole life until he died in a bizarre motorcycle crash in his early 40's. I was 10 when it happened. I realized I was better off with my parents NOT together. 

Based on my own story, my vote is to not stay together for the kids sake. 

Tell me and all of us at DRL what you think. 

Do you agree with me? Do you know kids who got messed up because his/her parents split?

SHE SAID... He asked, I'm answering.

Jillian B Hart

In this morning's He Said, Tony asked many questions.  Although the points to ponder were specific to the effects of an illness on a marriage...  There is a variable there that questions what if the marriage was already unhealthy.  What if somewhere along the line you have figured out that the relationship is impaired.  Is a "sick" marriage different then a sick spouse?

I honestly believe that most people go into marriage with the full intent of keeping the vows they share until death do they part.  Reality begs to differ that there is a real understanding in what that means. Do you really “get” what that means, long term, forever, on that day you make those promises?  I think we believe that we do. I believe we do with all that we are able to comprehend and articulate it to mean at that time.  

“For better and for worse, in sickness and in health...” takes on new meaning with every passing year in a meaningful and committed relationship.  Life can be stressful under good circumstances.  Throw in major life issues and your world tips off it’s axis.  Fact is, some people definitely have a better ability to hang on.  Is it character, commitment, choice?  Does it matter?  

Before marriage we invest time in dating and relationships to find Mr. or Miss “Right”.  We contemplate and question is this right?  Those of us who married, somewhere along the line made the decision that it was right. Thus moving forward to the big day and the beginning of happily ever after.  You make that decision with all the knowledge and love that you have at that time, fully intent on it being “right” forever.

Life throws you curve balls.  Sometime you duck and sometimes you catch it square in the face.  In both cases there is a rush of adrenaline, yet one is way more painful then the other.  When you duck, you can almost get on with the game as if nothing even happened.  When it knocks you right between the eyes you are forced to see and feel what really happened.  What really is. Looking at a situation with real eyes, being honest with yourself as to what your marriage has become, is like having the sense knocked into you - it’s painful beyond words.  It forces you to stop being numb and going through the motions.  Often once you open your eyes like that there is no going back.  It does not mean that you may change your choices.  It doesn’t mean that a marriage has to end.  But it may mean that for one or both of the partners it’s never the same.  

People change. Grow.  Stagnate. Get sick. Lose jobs.  Get fat. Get skinny. Lose themselves.  Find themselves.  People choose.  They choose to stay or go.  It can be character, it can be responsibility, it can be because despite it all, there is love, (maybe not the love you always imagined or the one you long to have fill you up - but a love just the same! One to be valued and respected.), but it can also be necessary to consider an ending.

Early on the question is, “How do I know it’s right?”

Later on, for all kinds of reasons, sometimes the question that begs for an answer is, “How do you know when it’s NOT right?”

And, if it isn’t, based on those “vows”, based on being true to yourself ,as well as true to the one you are with, what do you chose?  Either way.  There are no winners in the game.  When it comes to love, hearts break. They may not break even, but, broken, is broken.  I believe sometimes keeping vows can also mean “being broken”.  Maybe not in everything and in every way.  But, broken, is broken. Is that right?!

YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONE YOU LOVE

Marion Pellicano Ambrose

I read a post on Facebook by a good friend. It read: “Why do people have to be so cruel?” She was talking about someone who was once a friend and colleague who has gone out of his way to say hurtful things simply to wound her. It made me wonder. What kind of person purposely says things to cause others pain? Then it came to me. Strangers don’t know enough about us to find our “weak” point, or something that would hurt. And even if they did happen upon a sensitive point, they’re strangers, so who cares? It’s only those who we have let get close to us in some way, those we care about, trust, and maybe even love, who can cause us this kind of pain.

So why so those we care about set out to injure us?  I believe that some people who tend to be cruel have it deeply seated in their nature. They’re mean hearted and just enjoy causing pain. Others are just manipulative and use insults and slurs to gain emotional control over another in order to get what they want. I also think some people hurt in exchange for what they feel was a hurt aimed at them.
Whatever the reason, it’s destructive and I’ve gleaned from personal experience that it’s something we must teach ourselves to put a stop to. In my learning process I tried to ignore the cruel remarks and inferences that were aimed at me by loved one. I reminded myself that the things he said weren’t true. I tried pointing that out, but realized that you can’t reason with an angry person while he’s angry. With my husband’s help and support I started to build a shield against the abuse I was receiving from this person. I hung up , walked away or deleted the message as soon as a negative comment was made. I regularly remind myself that others can only hurt me if I let them. I’ve chosen not to let them anymore. It also helps to remember the old song “You always hurt the one you love” so at least I know that this person loves me somewhere deep down!

There’s one sad truth in life I’ve found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.

                                                                                          Ella Wheeler Wilcox


I hope the experience of working through this will make me a person who thinks before she speaks and will help me to refrain from saying anything that might cause pain to those I love. I hope it will inspire you to do the same.

DON'T YELL AT ME!!!

Marion Pellicano Ambrose

The following poem was written to show adults how a child feels when being yelled at - it can shake them to their core. As I read it, it occurred to me that at times, I feel the same way.  Sometimes, when another adult raises their voice or speaks in that tone of voice that I perceive as yelling, I get angry and come back with a snappy remark. But when someone I love uses that tone, it makes me want to crawl into myself and hide. I guess it’s because their opinion means so much and it hurts to have them disapprove of something I’ve done, even if it was unintentional.  Maybe it’s that inner child taking over, but I never could handle being yelled at.  I wish people would think about how they speak to other human beings. I can’t think of a single instance where yelling has ever solved any problem, repaired a relationship, or helped heal a hurt. In my experience it only adds tension, causes defensiveness, and sometimes causes irreparable damage to a relationship. It may make the yeller feel a bit of relief, but it never helps the yell-ee!

What do you think? Are you a yeller? If so, does it make you feel better? Do you ever think of what you’re doing to the person you’re yelling at?  

 Don't yell at me, don't yell at me! I hate it when you do.

it makes me feel so miserable I want to run from you.

I simply cannot stand it when you yell into my ear.

If I knew how to do it I'd completely disappear!

Don't yell at me, don't yell at me!

I'll crawl away and hide. I'll detonate to smithereens

or shrivel up inside.

Feel free to thumb your nose at me or wiggle all your toes at me,

or even ring a bell at me, but please, please, please. pleeeease.

DON'T YELL AT ME!

                                               -  Jack Prelutsky

HELL TO PAY

Barbara Ward-Finneran

Wicked... Can be defined so many ways; good, bad and cool.

There are times that the use of the word and it's meanings  may overlap or just not quite say enough - yet it is a word commonly used.  Used here at DRL regularly on Wednesdays.

It's wicked when someone you cared about disappoints you. It matters not the length of the relationship.  If you bothered to invest friendship loyalty and love -  business and pleasure - accepted the good and bad, it stings like salt on an emotional wound when that  friendship ends.  In retrospect it usually comes to light that it was destined not to go places, had ugly or selfish moments and or unhealthy aspects.  (Perhaps you were even warned not to get involved by others who had been burned.) I'm a big believer that there are three sides to every story.  Each of the two the main players involved have a side, let's say, his & hers... so to get three sides, you have "his", "hers" and "what really happened".  Perhaps therein lies where bitterness and resentment are born.  Where the sides and stories to the ending don't line up. When someone feels dishonored or betrayed, they can strike out in cold and cruel ways with no regards to, or understanding of, or even an acknowledgment of  - "the other sides of the story", as they are so wrapped up in that pain or dysfunction of the "ending".  Even sadder, is if it is because simply their inability to have "good relationships" clouds everything - ruins all  - even with those that give of themselves with the potential to create and teach healthy ones. 

For some the answer to their own pain is to strike out and attempt to cause similar infliction on those who "wronged" them.  Manifesting as hurtful words or actions.  A beast that is more angered and fed by interaction.  My thought, it is better to starve it to death then to feed it's hunger for more.  Silence speaks volumes.  Even more so when resulting from not dignifying actions with reactions. 

When you choose to be a person who values their friends and relationships, (admittedly, at times, practically to a fault).  It's all too simple to question,  could I have repaired this before it had crumbled.  Truth is some things need to be broken.  It saves you from more disappointment and or pain.  (Even truer, some things are damaged long before you even started involving yourself with them.)  You grow. You change.  You move on.  Not necessarily in that order.  You simply live and let live.  Agree to disagree.  Remember the good fondly and let go of the rest.  That's life as an adult in a world full of humans.  If only we were all divine enough to act and do better always.  Then perhaps this would be heaven not earth. Until then, ignore those who think there is "HELL" to pay - the fact of the matter is - they are in their own self created HELL that is far worse then anything you could conjure up.  Ignore negativity.  It only breeds more of the same.  That is one thing I know for sure.  I'm positive about it!