Tony Walker
My He Said for this week is actually a He's Asking.
I need to ask a question and I'm hoping to get some honest answers, even if it means you have to answer using an anonymous name. I hate anonymous but I realize that's the only way some people can post a comment.
The other day I was talking to a woman I know. She's had some health issues over the past 15-20 years. She said that her husband of 20 years has told her that he is leaving her.
She told me that he can't handle the health issues. She says he needs a perfect and healthy wife because HIS issues get in the way of being capable of loving someone who is otherwise.
You got that? It took me a few reads to get it.
At first my reaction to this was, "What a copout! He's a scumbag!"
But then I thought some more.
When I was getting my amputation (which was 6 years ago last week) a very close relative of mine told me to beware... my wife may not love me anymore because I won't be complete. He said he knew someone whose wife split because he was in a wheelchair and she couldn't handle it.
My wife hates me for many reasons but having a prosthetic leg isn't one of them. But this relative was right.... many people try but just can't handle having a spouse who has health issues, has a change in physical appearance, etc.
I know what some of you are thinking... "For better or worse, in sickness and in health...." But as someone who has more than my share of health issues I can tell you that even if you said "I do" you really don't know if "you do or don't" until you're actually in that situation. It's a very tough and stressful thing to go through.
So tell us what you think.
What do you think is the reason why someone can't handle being in a situation like that?
Do you know anyone who couldn't handle a spouse's issues?
Were you involved in a situation like this?
Or do you think that this reasoning is a copout?
Editors Note: Check out She Said... where DRL writer Jillian B Hart answers Tony
I know that anything that happened to my husband I could handle. I love having him in my life and would never leave. We have been married 20yrs and have both changed in many physical and mental ways thru those years, and yet I love him more then ever - he feels the same about me by the way.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, no one is perfect. I am a very nurting person. Some times I even feel a sick sense of satisfaction when I can take care of a sick/hurt spouse or child. I don't wish them harm, but love being able to help them. My husband doesn't share my feelings in this area. When I am sick or hurt he helpes around the house and with the kids, but never gives me the level of care I give him. It can hurt my feelings, but I have also discovered many times it's the guilt he feels knowing he can't fix whatever is wrong that stops him from helping more. If he could fix me - he would jump at the chance, but anything less is hard for him to deal with. He kinda wants to pretend everything is fine.
Maybe your friends spouse has just tried so hard to help over the years only to feel like a failure. I think it's an issue he needs to deal with for a healthy relationship, but just walking out??? Not okay! Seems selfish to me.
I developed serious health issues about 3 years ago. Previous to that, I was a very healthy, active,career professional and wife/mom. Suddenly I was an unemployed invalid. I sunkinto a deep depression. If anyone had an excuse to leave, my husband did, but he stood by me through hospitalizations, tears and the slow crawl back to "functional". I'm still disabled, but with his support I am finding ways to be useful. Our financial outlook is bleak because of me, but he still stands by me and never complains. I'm a lucky woman! I think men or women who walk out on spouses because of health issues do so because of a flaw in their character. They either aren't strong enough to make it even though they love their spouse, or they just didn't love their spouse as much as they loved themselves. I know that no matter what happened to my husband- illness, loss of limb, even loss of hair (lol), I would want to care for him and be there for him. That's what love is!
ReplyDeleteI know this all to well. Huntingtons Disease runs in my family. I have a 50% chance of getting it. It is a horrible ugly disease and it robs you of your whole life. With that said, my ex boyfriend Harry( who was a friend of my husband Billy ) couldn't handle it. We were together for 3 yrs and he cheated on me the entire time. He would go to Billy and brag about the things he would do with these other females. When I found out, I was never mad at Harry. He wanted to be with me, he just had that fear. He truly loved me and treated me like a Queen and took me on incredible vacations.
ReplyDeleteBilly ran into Harry one night in a bar on LI and Harry approached him and said, " The better man got her. I could not deal with the " What if" . They hung for the night and enjoyed each others company. Harry and I are friends and will be forever. Billy knows that's all it is. There is no jealously at all. Billy and I have been married for 13 yrs, together for almost 15. We are soulmates. Bottom line is, I pray every day that I stay healthy and enjoy my life and my kids to the fullest. You just never know when your life will take a wicked turn. I know Billy would be there for me no matter what. He knew exactly what he was getting him self into while we were dating incase the future wasn't "perfect". And look at us now, he's the one home on disability for 1 1/2 yrs. He's the injured one and believe me, it's a tight budget around here. We have 2 beautiful boys to raise. Nothing will come between our bond and love for eachother....nothing.
I agree with the ones before me, if a spouse leaves, it was either not their character ( like Harry ) or they just simply didn't love them enough to begin with. Look life is way to short .... if you are in a crappy situation and you have support from family/friends...leave them. Move on ( even if you are sick, disabled etc....) The last thing you want to be dealing with is an asshole who brings you more pain and sorrow. You deserve to be with people who lift your spirits and bring joy into your life.
Health issues, lose your job, gain weight, sexual problems, kids, boredom... many reasons people want to leave. Bottom line is they're just not interested anymore. To them being alone seems a happier place. Or the thinking- there's something better 'round the bend. I'm in a relationship and im beginning to gain some weight in the hips. Im working out everyday because you just never know. How many people actually make it? Look at your friends and family, how many make it? And the ones that do ...are they happy? I was divorced once by the way.
ReplyDeleteWell said everyone.
ReplyDeleteI told my friend that even though she has some major challenges ahead, she's better off.
If her husband stays he'll never be into her, he'll never REALLY be there for her, he'll be selfish, he'll be a dick.
He's doing her a favor!
Let him go & find someone better!
I honestly believe that most people go into marriage with the full intent of keeping the vows they share until death do they part. Reality begs to differ that there is a real understanding in what that means.....
ReplyDeleteOh, Tony... I'll just talk to you in a "She said"...
http://delayedreactionlounge.blogspot.com/2011/08/she-said-he-asked-im-answering.html