HE SAID... WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THERE'S A STORM BREWING?

Tony Walker
Here in NY, Long Island in particular, we are dealing with the devastation of Hurricane Sandy. I was going to write something about that storm but decided against it. There are a million places to see, hear, & read about the hurricane. I've decided to stick with what I do best.... and if anyone knows what that is please let me know.

This week's He Said is actually a "He's Asking".  So my question is: Do you stay together for the kids sake or not?

Right now I know 3 people who are in their marriages solely for the kids. These people believe that splitting up with their spouse would mess up their kids. I'm sure all of you have heard that reasoning from someone you know. But is staying together for the kids sake doing more damage? If you're fighting, do you want the kids to witness that? Maybe you're not fighting but you're miserable... do you want your kids growing up thinking that being married means being miserable? Of these three I speak of, one woman recently told her husband that she doesn't love him anymore so right now they're together for the kids. She's so happy she finally got this off her chest that one would never know her marriage is over. So is fooling the kids an option too?

I look at my life.... my father split when my mother was pregnant with me. I lived with my mother, brother, & grandmother. My best friend was right next door & there were plenty of kids on my street & in our neighborhood. I had a great childhood. Later in life I found out my father was a screw up his whole life until he died in a bizarre motorcycle crash in his early 40's. I was 10 when it happened. I realized I was better off with my parents NOT together. 

Based on my own story, my vote is to not stay together for the kids sake. 

Tell me and all of us at DRL what you think. 

Do you agree with me? Do you know kids who got messed up because his/her parents split?

THE MESSY BUSINESS OF DIVORCE

Marion Pellicano Ambrose

These days, it's almost impossible NOT to have a friend who is going through the painful process of divorce, or thinking about starting the process. More than 50% of marriages end up in divorce, and each one means that someone has suffered. Divorce is a messy business and can be difficult on two people who made the promise to marry for life. It can also be hard on children whose parents are going through divorce. Divorce can be complicated, because it not only involves the division of people within the marriage, but often material goods such as a couple's home, cars, money, and possessions need to be divided. Of course, if there are children involved, the effects can be devistating. While I would encourage every couple to work hard on their marriage, to be willing to comprimise and empathize, I do recognize that some marriages will fail. If you have a friend or relative that has reached this point, this is my advice to help them through a difficult time.

• 100% acceptance - give your friend a safe non-judgmental environment to vent. But don't participate in the blame game. That only makes things worse.
• Be someone who understands that your friend's pain is real - do not bring up individuals who have had it worse, like widows or burn victims, or say "at least you have your children", or "thank goodness you don't have children," or "you have your looks and health, you will find someone soon again." Those phrases diminish the real pain that your friend is experiencing at that moment.

• Promise secrecy – and keep your promise! Private matters that have been disclosed to you should not be shared with others, not even your spouse.
• Provide your friend with a shoulder to cry on - let them talk; sometimes that is all they need, but place a time limit on their pity pot talk. Change the subject if your friend starts to rehash familiar territory. They need to grieve first and then let their anger out, but it is not good for them to mull over the same set of offenses over and over again.
• Give them hugs - remember that someone going through divorce has lost physical contact with their life's mate, and that hugs are better than medicine.
• Provide your friend with your logic and ability to think straight - depression affects the brain. Remember, your friend is filled with anxiety and there are times when he or she can't plan strategically at all. Refer your friend to experts and self-help groups, or help them sort through the myriad of bewildering topics they will need to address - lawyers, realtors, job searches.
• Include your friend in fun outings and invite them to parties and events - even if they don't feel like going. This especially holds true for women, who are often dumped from the party circuit for reasons that are mystifying. Plan a lot of “girls night out” events.
• Keep in touch with regular calls, text messages, and via Facebook, Twitter, and cards - your friend may not respond, but these evidences of caring help. They'll come round and respond eventually.
• Be an honest friend - this takes diplomacy, but if you see self-destructive behavior, have the courage to step in and stop it.
• Drive them or their children - many separated people are unable to share the load of driving, which becomes evident as time passes. Offer to drive when you go on a shared outing, or to take their children to their events. It's the little details that count and provide relief.
• CHOCOLATE – they will need lots
•  of chocolate!

• Most importantly - prayers! Pray for whatever will be in their best interest, not what you think they want or what you want the outcome to be. This is the sign of a true friend!

Remember not to judge either party in a divorce. No one really knows what goes on behind the closed doors of a marriage. I know I've wanted to shoot someone after listening to a friend's account of how she was treated, but I restrained myself and didn't even shoot off my mouth! I was rewarded later when they reconciled and my friend cut off other friends who had bad mouthed her husband! She appreciated my support and discression, but especially the fact that I never put her husband down to her or anyone else. They've been happily married for 10 years since the incident!

Remember:

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. "
Mignon McLaughlin

****Here's a beautiful article worth reading about Marriage!
http://www.ivillage.com/lessons-kids-learn-their-parents-marriage/6-b-442908?nlcid=ls%7C04-19-2012

HE SAID... He's Asking

Tony Walker

My He Said for this week is actually a He's Asking.
I need to ask a question and I'm hoping to get some honest answers, even if it means you have to answer using an anonymous name. I hate anonymous but I realize that's the only way some people can post a comment.
The other day I was talking to a woman I know. She's had some health issues over the past 15-20 years. She said that her husband of 20 years has told her that he is leaving her.
She told me that he can't handle the health issues. She says he needs a perfect and healthy wife because HIS issues get in the way of being capable of loving someone who is otherwise.
You got that? It took me a few reads to get it.
At first my reaction to this was, "What a copout! He's a scumbag!"
But then I thought some more.
When I was getting my amputation (which was 6 years ago last week) a very close relative of mine told me to beware... my wife may not love me anymore because I won't be complete. He said he knew someone whose wife split because he was in a wheelchair and she couldn't handle it.
My wife hates me for many reasons but having a prosthetic leg isn't one of them. But this relative was right.... many people try but just can't handle having a spouse who has health issues, has a change in physical appearance, etc.
I know what some of you are thinking... "For better or worse, in sickness and in health...." But as someone who has more than my share of health issues I can tell you that even if you said "I do" you really don't know if "you do or don't" until you're actually in that situation. It's a very tough and stressful thing to go through.
So tell us what you think.
What do you think is the reason why someone can't handle being in a situation like that?
Do you know anyone who couldn't handle a spouse's issues?
Were you involved in a situation like this?
Or do you think that this reasoning is a copout?

Editors Note: Check out She Said... where DRL writer Jillian B Hart answers Tony

LUNCH TIME POLL

POST HOLIDAY RE-RUN

 

 

Today's Lunch Time Poll is more of a "topic" then a "question"...
Can an innocent flirtation be healthy?

According to one law firm, over 20 percent of new divorce petitions contain references to Facebook.

Which is more forgivable an emotional affair, a sexual affair, or a one night stand?

Can a relationship truly recover from any of the above?

The new trend in some relationships seem to be steering bored or broken marriages, or long term relationships,  to be "open". Is it even a marriage anymore once that step has been taken?

How many people in this world of social networking have had this happen to them or a "friend"?
Care to share............  feel free to choose anonymous when commenting if you dare.

TRAGEDY ON THE HUDSON

Jenn Copp

My heart goes out to the family of the woman who drove her kids to their death in the Hudson River. Not knowing the full details and hearing it had to do with domestic disputes makes me sad. I know so many people going through divorces and watch as the parents can't get along. It saddens me that for the sake of their children they can't make it as smooth as possible. A lot of times one person is helpless in the process as the other person is going to show them paybacks. Not paying child support, not making sure their kids will be taken care of. Why does this have to be?  It is hard enough on the children. Do they have to be in the middle of a domestic war. Splitting from a significant other is hard enough, to feel so desperate that you drive your children into a river is the saddest thing I have heard. In my life I am a fixer, be it a good or bad trait I am still figuring it out but I wish I could one day reach out to people in need and help them.

Tony's Divorce

Tony Walker


In 1997 I got divorced. As much as I thought it was the right move, I was terrified. Growing up in a very strict Catholic household, divorce was forbidden. So I was worried about God & the Church. I also worried about the reactions of her family, my family, our friends, my finances, etc. Since I was with my wife since the age of 19 what scared me more than anything else was how I was going to start over. As much as I knew the marriage was over I still didn't really want to start over.

It was weird for a while. My ex & I shared the house for 6 months as the divorce was being processed so we saw each other all the time & tried to be friendly but it was awkward. Even after she moved out we talked often. I even went to her apartment a few times to fix her phone.

Before I knew it life had moved on, I had most of the same friends, my family eventually accepted the divorce, & all was well. I had a new life. All my fears were unfounded & life was good.

The one thing that surprised me the most & still does to this day is how a couple can love each other so much that they wanna spend their whole lives together, then getting to the point where they want nothing to do with each other. Many couples end up hating each other. My ex & I don't hate each other but when I do talk with her, which isn't much, we both have a hard time finding something to say. We don't even know each other anymore which also amazes me. We didn't have kids so there is no reason to talk but I still can't believe that we are so far removed from each other that we can't even hold a conversation. It blows me away that I haven't seen her since 2006.

But she has her own house now, a new man, & seems happy. I know I am happy with a wife who puts up with my chaotic ways, two wonderful brats, one dog, & one leg.

I'm curious to hear your thoughts on why you think a couple can go from one extreme to another. I'd also like to hear your stories about surviving divorce.