SHE SAID... He asked, I'm answering.

Jillian B Hart

In this morning's He Said, Tony asked many questions.  Although the points to ponder were specific to the effects of an illness on a marriage...  There is a variable there that questions what if the marriage was already unhealthy.  What if somewhere along the line you have figured out that the relationship is impaired.  Is a "sick" marriage different then a sick spouse?

I honestly believe that most people go into marriage with the full intent of keeping the vows they share until death do they part.  Reality begs to differ that there is a real understanding in what that means. Do you really “get” what that means, long term, forever, on that day you make those promises?  I think we believe that we do. I believe we do with all that we are able to comprehend and articulate it to mean at that time.  

“For better and for worse, in sickness and in health...” takes on new meaning with every passing year in a meaningful and committed relationship.  Life can be stressful under good circumstances.  Throw in major life issues and your world tips off it’s axis.  Fact is, some people definitely have a better ability to hang on.  Is it character, commitment, choice?  Does it matter?  

Before marriage we invest time in dating and relationships to find Mr. or Miss “Right”.  We contemplate and question is this right?  Those of us who married, somewhere along the line made the decision that it was right. Thus moving forward to the big day and the beginning of happily ever after.  You make that decision with all the knowledge and love that you have at that time, fully intent on it being “right” forever.

Life throws you curve balls.  Sometime you duck and sometimes you catch it square in the face.  In both cases there is a rush of adrenaline, yet one is way more painful then the other.  When you duck, you can almost get on with the game as if nothing even happened.  When it knocks you right between the eyes you are forced to see and feel what really happened.  What really is. Looking at a situation with real eyes, being honest with yourself as to what your marriage has become, is like having the sense knocked into you - it’s painful beyond words.  It forces you to stop being numb and going through the motions.  Often once you open your eyes like that there is no going back.  It does not mean that you may change your choices.  It doesn’t mean that a marriage has to end.  But it may mean that for one or both of the partners it’s never the same.  

People change. Grow.  Stagnate. Get sick. Lose jobs.  Get fat. Get skinny. Lose themselves.  Find themselves.  People choose.  They choose to stay or go.  It can be character, it can be responsibility, it can be because despite it all, there is love, (maybe not the love you always imagined or the one you long to have fill you up - but a love just the same! One to be valued and respected.), but it can also be necessary to consider an ending.

Early on the question is, “How do I know it’s right?”

Later on, for all kinds of reasons, sometimes the question that begs for an answer is, “How do you know when it’s NOT right?”

And, if it isn’t, based on those “vows”, based on being true to yourself ,as well as true to the one you are with, what do you chose?  Either way.  There are no winners in the game.  When it comes to love, hearts break. They may not break even, but, broken, is broken.  I believe sometimes keeping vows can also mean “being broken”.  Maybe not in everything and in every way.  But, broken, is broken. Is that right?!