WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!??!

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older ...

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"

"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."

"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.

"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."

TOP TEN SCARIEST HALLOWEEN MOVIES

10.  FRANKENSTEIN
 9.   THE RING
 8.   JAWS
 7.  A CLOCKWORK ORANGE
 6.  SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
 5.  THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
 4.  PSYCHO
 3.  HALLOWEEN
 2.  THE SHINING
 1.  THE EXORCIST

I AM NOT READY DAWN BOYLE

I am totally not ready!!

The Metro Sexual Meteorologists said something insane this morning, possible flurries north and west for the weekend? What happened to Indian Summer? I still have my flip flops on. I haven't emptied out the beach bags yet! I literally do not know how to attempt a closet purge to find closed toe shoes, let alone boots!

Soooo not ready, I saw my first holiday commercial a few days ago and noticed all the artificial trees that now illuminate the pool stores throughout my town.

It's inevitable, as I age - time is flying. There are only 57 days til Christmas! Holy crap that just really put a different spin on this! I need to get my act together! Today on my day off I am going to empty those beach bags. redo my closet and make the appointment for the girls picture for holiday cards. The crunch is here and it's time for me at 40 years old to be organized!

The lazy days of summer are gone, the boat is pulled and there is no way I will go through another year of insanity and running around two days before Christmas with less than half of a list to complete.

The silver lining to this dark (and possibly snowy cloud) is that sooner or later MVP will return to the Jersey Shore. The RHONJ are already filming season 4. I am loving the new show Revenge, Those Mob Wives gotta be rearing their crazy heads again soon and I already have plans for New Years Eve!!!

The Spring/Summer will be here soon enough!

DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?

Model Tara Lynn

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.

They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.

• Jack Nicholson knows a beautiful woman when he sees one!
• Here he is with Kathy Bates.

They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?

They would have no sex life and could not bear children.

Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.

And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

WANNA LAUGH??!?!?!?!?

A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the ...

A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!

EATERY IS OPEN....CANDY APPLES

-Shown below is a commonly used recipe for candy apples.

2 - cups light brown sugar
2/3 to 1 cup - water
1 - tablespoon light corn syrup
1/2 - teaspoon lemon extract
3 - dashes of fresh cinnamon
6 to 8 apples with sticks (skewered)

Combine all ingredients except the lemon extract into a small, deep saucepan. Mix with a wooden spoon to evenly distribute the ingredients; place over medium high heat, stirring until sugar is dissolved. Be sure that all the ingredients come to a boil and reach about 290° to 300° on your candy thermometer. Once the product has reached it's set temperature, add the lemon extract and you are ready to start dipping your apples! Be careful when dipping because the candy will be very hot.

TONY WALKER.....HOMEWORK

My He Said's are usually sexual in nature but this week's, unfortunately, is not.

My son started middle school this year. Things are calming down, knock on wood, but once school started getting into the real nitty gritty my boy seemed to lose it a little.

One thing he struggled with was homework. Forgetting it, forgetting how to do it, not writing the whole assignment down, etc. 

My frustration level was at it's peak. One day I yelled, "I feel like I am doing more of your homework than you are!" That's when something occurred to me.

Why do kids even have homework? I know that may sound like a crazy question but I am serious.

Shouldn't kids be allowed to go out after school to discover sports & all sorts of adventures without having to worry about homework? When I worked at Verizon I got overtime for anything after 8 hours a day! Why do the kids have to go to school all day then come home to go nuts with this stuff all over again? Most parents will tell you that it's nothing but a battle so what is the real purpose here? 

Do I sound like the clueless, dumb guy that I am or do I have a point here?

WANNA LAUGH!?!?!?!?!

A man walks into his bedroom with two asprin and a glass of water.

His wife asks "what's that for?"
Husband replies "for your headache."
Wife answers "I don't have a headache."
Husband says "GOTCHA!"

WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE.....TONY WALKER

This year my son started middle school. Like me he is having a rough adjustment. But there is one thing that started for him this year that is worse than adjusting to a new school.

"Why can't you be more like your sister?!"

My daughter is autistic. She didn't go to the elementary school that is closest to our home. She went to another school in the district where all the special needs students go. But when she started middle school she goes to the same middle school as everyone else.

She is in 7th & my son is in 6th. One of his teachers is an old teacher of my daughter's. My boy's art teacher is the same art teacher my daughter had last year. I believe he may have another teacher or 2 who has had something to do with my daughter.

One teacher has already said that dealing with my son is a lot different from dealing with my daughter.

So now it begins. My son will be hearing "Why can't you be more like your sister" all the time. I went through the same thing. My brother was loved by everyone. He was nice, polite, & well behaved. I on the other hand was loud, rude, & a wiseass.... I know that may be hard to believe. Going to the same elementary, jr, & high schools as my brother was one thing, but our mother also went to the same schools! Our mother was the quietest student ever. Of course most of the teachers I had remembered my mother. So I got hit with comparisons to both of them all the time. I guess my son being who he is in school is my karma!!

I didn't resent my brother when I got these comparisons but I'll admit sometimes it was a pain. I can see my son is already aggravated & slightly resenting his sister.

Have you ever had to deal with sibling comparisons or were you the one who your sibling was compared to? How did you & your siblings handle it? 

SUNDAY TRIVIA

Did You Know...

An average beaver can cut down two hundred trees a year.

Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any state of the United States.

Only full-grown male crickets can chirp.

Richard M. Nixon is the only US president to have resigned.

Average number of hummingbirds required to create the weight of 1 ounce: 18.

Chocolate contains phenylethylamine (PEA), a natural substance that is reputed to stimulate the same reaction in the body as falling in love.

The human brain is about 85% water.

The honeybee kills more people world-wide than all the poisonous snakes combined.

Teeth are the only parts of the human body that can't repair themselves.

Cats average 16 hours of sleep a day, more than any other mammal.