I should be dead.
I'm not dead.
Cancer tried to kill me.
I'm still here.
But did I beat it?
Cancer-Left me without a leg.
-Screwed up my job which messed up my finances.
-Took me away from my kids when they needed me. My son has struggled through school since day one. One of the main reasons he struggles is because I either wasn't there for him when he was real little or his needs had to be put aside to deal with a cancer related issue for me. My daughter's autism sometimes took a back seat to my cancer related crap.
-Hardened my wife. When I met her she was fun loving, social, silly, & incredibly gorgeous. She had a peace around her. She was wonderful. She was positive.We connected almost immediately. She inspired me. Now she's bitter, angry, tired. Of course she knows I didn't consciously hurt her but it is because of me that her life has gone down the shitter. Our plan was to get married, have kids, & she'd be home with them while I worked. She'd work part time. Well for years now she's been working almost 12 hours daily & a few hours every Sat/Sun morning, & hardly sees the kids. And we still have nothing to show for it. She resents me. It was my cancer that did this. I don't blame her. You do your best to stick it through... "For better or for worse" right?.... but after years of this you get drained, you get hardened.
-Ruined my house. It's hard to keep up on your house when you have no money. It's hard to keep up on your house when there are certain things you can't do due to a cancer related disability. And I wasn't all that handy in the first place.
-Destroyed friendships. Certain people still look at me like the "cancer guy." If you've had cancer you know the look I am talking about. Somedays it doesn't bother you but most of the time you see that look on someone's face & it ruins your day. Certain friends to this day treat me different than they did pre-cancer. Certain friends still avoid me. You say to yourself that you're better off without that person if they can't handle it but the truth is you miss that person even though they suck.
When you have no money every crisis is a major crisis. What used to be considered as nothing major is now major. Every little problem with one of our cars, every scout trip our son takes, everything that breaks in the house, etc.... when you don't have a dollar to spare for this stuff you panic. You get mad. You get scared.
We've had so much happen to us.... my job was taken. No problem! I'll collect Social Security! They paid me not enough have of what I was making at my job & this year they cut that money in half! So now I make less than $20,000 a year. If you live on Long Island you know how little that is. We have a discrimination lawsuit against my employer for not allowing me to keep my job. This lawsuit has been going on for 3 years with no end in sight. With the current economy there are no jobs.... so who the hell will hire a one legged man??? So I've tried to start my own business. It's going well but when you have no money you also have no patience. All this while our 2 children struggle... one with autism the other with ADHD. It's too much.
So yesterday I told my wife that I can't watch my family go through all the stress that my cancer has caused. There is so much guilt I feel like I'm going to explode. I told my wife to find someone else who can make her happy the way I once did. Someone who can financially take care of her. Someone who can be a better father to the kids. Things have been so stressful here that my wife couldn't even get upset over this & I can't even get upset at the fact that she's not upset. We are too numb from everything that has hit us. There is no more emotion to take away. So as I still fight this fight with the lawsuit, I'm trying to make a business idea I have come to life. Other than that I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. So please move on & get a normal life back. You deserve it.
So did I really beat cancer?
I don't think so.
Cancer was going to kill me.
In a way it did.