Tuesday, October 11, 2011


I should be dead.
I'm not dead.
Cancer tried to kill me.
I'm still here.
But did I beat it?

Cancer-Left me without a leg.
              -Screwed up my job which messed up my finances.
              -Took me away from my kids when they needed me. My son has struggled through school since day one. One of the main reasons he struggles is because I either wasn't there for him when he was real little or his needs had to be put aside to deal with a cancer related issue for me. My daughter's autism sometimes took a back seat to my cancer related crap.

              -Hardened my wife. When I met her she was fun loving, social, silly, & incredibly gorgeous. She had a peace around her. She was wonderful. She was positive.We connected almost immediately. She inspired me. Now she's bitter, angry, tired. Of course she knows I didn't consciously hurt her but it is because of me that her life has gone down the shitter. Our plan was to get married, have kids, & she'd be home with them while I worked. She'd work part time. Well for years now she's been working almost 12 hours daily & a few hours every Sat/Sun morning, & hardly sees the kids. And we still have nothing to show for it. She resents me. It was my cancer that did this. I don't blame her. You do your best to stick it through... "For better or for worse" right?.... but after years of this you get drained, you get hardened.
              -Ruined my house. It's hard to keep up on your house when you have no money. It's hard to keep up on your house when there are certain things you can't do due to a cancer related disability. And I wasn't all that handy in the first place.
             -Destroyed friendships. Certain people still look at me like the "cancer guy." If you've had cancer you know the look I am talking about. Somedays it doesn't bother you but most of the time you see that look on someone's face & it ruins your day. Certain friends to this day treat me different than they did pre-cancer. Certain friends still avoid me. You say to yourself that you're better off without that person if they can't handle it but the truth is you miss that person even though they suck.

When you have no money every crisis is a major crisis. What used to be considered as nothing major is now major. Every little problem with one of our cars, every scout trip our son takes, everything that breaks in the house, etc.... when you don't have a dollar to spare for this stuff you panic. You get mad. You get scared.

We've had so much happen to us.... my job was taken. No problem! I'll collect Social Security! They paid me not enough have of what I was making at my job & this year they cut that money in half! So now I make less than $20,000 a year. If you live on Long Island you know how little that is. We have a discrimination lawsuit against my employer for not allowing me to keep my job. This lawsuit has been going on for 3 years with no end in sight. With the current economy there are no jobs.... so who the hell will hire a one legged man??? So I've tried to start my own business. It's going well but when you have no money you also have no patience. All this while our 2 children struggle... one with autism the other with ADHD. It's too much.

So yesterday I told my wife that I can't watch my family go through all the stress that my cancer has caused. There is so much guilt I feel like I'm going to explode. I told my wife to find someone else who can make her happy the way I once did. Someone who can financially take care of her. Someone who can be a better father to the kids. Things have been so stressful here that my wife couldn't even get upset over this & I can't even get upset at the fact that she's not upset. We are too numb from everything that has hit us. There is no more emotion to take away. So as I still fight this fight with the lawsuit, I'm trying to make a business idea I have come to life. Other than that I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. So please move on & get a normal life back. You deserve it.

So did I really beat cancer?
I don't think so.
Cancer was going to kill me.
In a way it did.


  1. Your cancer has made you a survivor. Money is not the answer to all problems. The definition of Tony Walker is not the poor guy with the messed up house, no money , or the poor guy who had cancer....To me the definition of Tony Walker is a hilariously funny comedian who is a great friend and listener someone who is there every time I asked for your advice .I also know in my heart that you are a great Dad and husband. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Cancer took my Dad 5 months ago but I am very happy to say it didn't take you.You are strong keep fighting for your life this time for happiness mind , body and spirit <3

  2. I agree with Erin!! Tony you are the best! Great friend!!

  3. Yeah, maybe you should be dead, and perhaps with this cancer a part of you did die, and perhaps your wife who once had that sparkle in her eye is tired, beat down and doesn't want to fight anymore, and hell your kids struggle too...but as a child of father with MS and watching the disease progress I saw parents that fought like hell to keep going, and that my friend is what your kids will see too. If they see parents walk out and give up, what's that teaching them? Have your pity party, it's earned, make sure your wife has one too and then get back on your feet (or foot! Ha! That was supposed to be a joke) and kick ass at life, because what's comedy without tragedy? And frankly we need more Tony Walkers in the world!

  4. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it's been TOny, but I know that you're still here because you have a purpose. You make people laugh, you LOVE your wife and kids, you are a good friend and a good person. You cannever know how many lives you touch through your writing and through your example of fighting,accepting challenges and surviving. Your wife is a lucky woman and your kids are fortunate to have you. I'm sure they feel the same way.You have the courage and the spirit to continue and your family has the love to support you in your journey.Add some faith that God has a plan for you and you can continue to do amazing things my friend!

  5. Tony, I said so much in an email after you sent us this post...

    Life is often like a road in the dark, we cannot see beyond the brightness of our headlights, but the rest of the road for our journey is there and when we follow the light, the way is shown to us.

    You are a survivor with much left to do and much love left to share. That mixed with faith and a dash of hope. Faith is believing when it is beyond all reason to believe. I wish you faith, hope and love - may they light your way on the road ahead. Keep the faith, baby!

  6. YOU BEAT IT! You beat it again every single day that you get up and despite life's difficulties you put your foot on the floor and remind yourself to breath. When one day at a time is too much, take one moment at a time... and breath!

    You have many moments ahead of you that will take your breath away - may all of them be for beautiful reasons.

    Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.

  7. Thank you all for the support.
    I'm in a different frame of mind today... to tell you the truth, I can't believe I post this. I take pride in putting myself out there but this was pretty personal shit.
    If you don't mind I'm not going to comment further on this but do not take that the wrong way. I'm just more comfortable being the funny guy.
    I truly appreciate all the kind words. You are all great friends to me.