WHEN ENOUGH ISN'T ENOUGH

Barbara Ward-Finneran
While attending a design related seminar last week the presenter gave his bio and then did the typical go around the room and introduce yourself and what you do.  As I sat and impressively listened to the professional peers that surrounded me, I mentally started to conjure my laundry list to decide what to share.  Wife, mother, runner, artist, teacher, freelance graphic designer, business owner, co-founder of a blog and most recently a college adjunct professor.  Creating a mental list of my own bio left me feeling very bittersweet.  Despite the comforting accomplishment that I felt I was equally overwhelmed.  Despite attaining personal and professional milestones that I  am proud of and have worked very hard to achieve, often in days of late, notwithstanding my usual positive outlook, there is a hole in the pit of my stomach that I cannot ignore.

What do you do when your best isn't enough?!  Now, let me clarify. In many ways it is enough. I feel good about what I have done and what I do.  I still have goals I'd like to attain.  Everyone should - or you become stagnate - everyone needs dreams and goals to grow.   Yet all the hard work and accomplishment brings little comfort when I am failing to be able to make ends meet.  I know I'm not alone in this state of affairs.  It's common place today.  Clads of people are responsible, honest, loyal, work hard, and still it's not enough.  Some realities of life can be like and anchor around your neck.  All the treading water in the world just isn't going to keep you afloat forever.  How do you separate the spirit and soul that makes you, -you, from the reality of being the bread winner whose fast losing financial control?  How do you not spin your wheels and lose your self in the muck of worldly issues?  For we are far more then the things that we possess, the bills and debt that we pay.  How do you keep seeing that glass as half full, when the voice in the back of your head nags... any day now the bank will serve you, and then what... and then where do you go, where do you live?  How do you start over? The loudest being being, How did this happen to me???

With juggling all of "this" my exercise routines has suffered --- I feel it emotionally and physically.  I managed to run twice in the last four days.  More then I have averaged in weeks since I accepted the adjunct position. So, four days ago I backed up my training practically back to day one of a running app.  Telling myself, convincing myself --- there is no shame in starting over, but rather the failure is in not beginning again.  Why is it I can see that and accept it about exercise, but I can't wrap my head around a financial bottom out and need for a new beginning.  Why is facing foreclosure, when you've done all that you can do to the best of your abilities still feel like an epic failure?

What do you do when you are doing your best.  Doing your damnest and it's still not enough?!?!

“Out with everything you don't need—the junk, clutter, hang-ups and hurts—and in with the fresh, fantastic, unencumbered life you've always wanted.” —  Oprah 

Oprah has beautifully stated in this quote that you need to get rid of everything you don't need...  Maybe it's about truly deciding what our real "needs" are. I know I don't need the extra stress I put on  myself.  I know I don't need the guilt.  (Nor, should I have guilt, when I'm doing my best and trying to exhaust every other possibility or option.)

My plan is to keep doing all I can and when I get overwhelmed...

Wait. Stop. Take a breath.  Do some yoga. Do something to get a grip.

Take my thoughts, turn them positive and craft them into a potent, impactful messages to myself, rather then being my own whipping post.  

SOOOOOOOOOO much EASIER said then DONE!!!  Why are we so often our own worst enemy?!