TWO YEARS LATER, HINDSIGHT IS 20/20

Barbara Ward-Finneran
I'm over it.  Over the worrying and wondering.  It never seems to go away.  It is a curse of the "mature" midlife adult.  It serves no purpose and yet at times it's practically impossible to dismiss. Practice being "Ms. Pollyanna Positive" all you want - (and I'm good at that!) - but it sneaks in.  It might not even be in the forefront.  Yet it dwells within you.  My "worry monster" usually rears it's ugly head if I wake up during the night.  My brain turns on with thoughts streaming though it worse then a gigantic meteor shower and not nearly as pretty.  In fact it can be pretty ugly and becoming worse.  Much like that buzzing in your ears, after a great concert or all night-er at a loud club way back when, that you can't turn it off.  

It is said that more then 90% of what you worry about never happens.  Human nature though, seems to refuse to let us rationalize that more often then not.  Especially at times more practically used for other things like sleeping.  Our worries transpose but they never seem to disappear.  It's the kids, ailing parents, relationships, obligations, professional issues, finances, job cuts, personal health concerns or scares, etc. etc. etc... The list goes on and on.  Most times it can be shaken off.   At others, not so much.  Those curve balls that life throws you seem to be ready to knock you square between they eyes and you can hardly muster the agility to duck.  Yet life goes on.  Changes. Morphs into the next great chapter.  Complete with it's own set of worries.  And joys!  Let's focus there. Embrace the good and blessings that abound.  Attitude is everything.  It's the difference between feeling like you are lost in the dark and realizing that if it wasn't for the darkness one could never appreciate the beauty of the stars.  


"Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess.  Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best." - Author Unknown


Kind of sums up a few of my "Barbara-isms":
Breathe, just breath!
Change and faith are the only constants.
Keep the promises that you make to yourself!
The best is yet to come!


Here's something I wrote from a while back.  An ironic and beautiful example of how the more things change, the more they stay the same - only different.  LOL 
Hakuna matata my friends, hakuna matata! XO

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The power of Perspective

(Author's Note: Written February 2010) 

A few mornings ago I hugged my boys goodbye, jetted out the door, and out of their sight exhaled with a heavy heart.  Wondering if this would be the last "normal" goodbye for a while.  Was it possible that the events forthcoming that morning could change my perspective of everything? Would my whole world feel different in a few hours? The thundering silence of my racing thoughts broken by the sound of my tears as I rushed to the appointment.

Sometimes despite our best efforts there is irony.  Almost a year ago, I looked forty in the eye and decided to make changes.  I adapted a healthier and more active lifestyle. Rededicated myself to and reinvented the girl who felt so alive when chasing my dreams.  In recent months I have looked and felt better then I have in years, yet in the last five weeks I have spent more time with doctors and undergone more tests then I can count on two hands.  

When summoned to the doctor's office for an immediate visit after numerous tests, there isn't any kind of warm fuzzy.  The phone call struck a cord in me that stole the air out of my lungs.  Welcome to another side effect of midlife - health scares.

It is difficult to muster the courage needed to channel your inner strength and to focus on the positive while sitting on a table, dressed in glorified paper towels, and waiting to sink your feet into stirrups while shivering.  Then concentrate on the discussion of tumors, surgical procedures and options while feeling completely vulnerable and still dressed in the fashionless paper gown.  Finally clothed, I sat with a tourniquet on my arm and watched the clear vial fill with the scarlet liquid that eventually may answer the cancer question. 

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball.  Worry is wasted energy!  It does not prevent the sorrows or fears of tomorrow, but steals today's strength and joys.  I'm choosing another route! Being empowered by pinpointing the positive and putting it in a prayerful place.  Cast aside your worries - join me there!

TO THE GRADUATES... AND TO THE MID-LIFERS

Barbara Ward-Finneran
Is where you are going predestined?  Is it written in the stars? Can we wish for it on moonbeams? Or do we make our fate by creating our dreams? 

Having taught children for the greater part of two decades I believe we forge a journey by developing our gifts and fostering our desires by using all that we are to the best of our abilities.  I am blest to have assisted and mentored many along their journey to young adulthood. In some cases even beyond.  I have had too many children to count, two of them "my own" and have honestly loved them all.  As an art teacher, I get to watch my students grow from pre-schoolers to middle schoolers and build relationship with them along the way each year.  It's a beautiful process that I will forever treasure.  I recently watched my 18th group of 8th graders graduate.  At graduation some are happy to leave and others fight back tears.  An emotional situation that follows most of us through all the great changes in our lives.  Change is bittersweet.  Those forks in the road where we pause to ponder before moving forward leave us cherishing the past while excited and scared for the future.  As we age the sweet successes get mixed up with memories of where we may of zigged when we should of zagged.  Never regrets.  But, perhaps a wonderment of what might have been.  If your are lucky, never wishing what is to be different.  Mistakes, risks and dreams help to shape this adventure we call living. All of it it though, good, bad, indifferent and rock bottom - always a part of who you are today.  To everything there is a season and seasons change.  Each step part of your journey to the next destination.  


When we are "all grown up" it's sometimes easier to be scared and safe then face the adventure fearlessly.  Somewhere along your travels you relinquish the ability to just let go and throw your hands in the air and have faith that the wild ride will end with you still safely buckled in longing for the next thrill.  Is it wisdom? Responsibility? Stupidity?  A combination thereof and so much more.  


Graduations are official - you know it's time for change.  It's an ending of a beginning. Those signs of change aren't always so obviously marked later in life.  Yet many an inspiring word from a graduation could be applied when you face a path that is divided and aren't sure which road to take. Those speeches encourage and empower you.  Words that we should allow to echo in out minds and hearts whenever we are faced with change, challenges and choices.  


Change has been a pretty constant "theme" in my recent posts.  It's what is swirling around me in recent weeks and I cannot escape it.  Nor, am I ready to specifically define it. I will watch more graduations at the school I love, yet it might not ever be in the same capacity as years gone past. It is yet to be decided.  I have yet to decide.  As I plan and ponder what is to be written on the next page - I am lucky that when reflecting on my own writings I find inspiration and faith.  That which makes me know and believe that the best is yet to come.  


Last year I received the ultimate compliment of being chosen by the graduating class to speak to them at graduation.  Below I share that reflection with you.  I dedicate it to all of my graduates, past and present... and to the graduate in all of us - who needs a little reminder that no matter where we are in the journey, or the bumps in the road --- that we will grow and change and once again --- "come into our own"!  


"Decide that you want it more then you are afraid of it." 
- Bill Cosby

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Graduates, I am both humbled and honored to be asked to speak to you tonight.  I have been blest to know you since your first days at HNJ, no matter what year you joined our family of friends.  I have been privileged to know you when you were little enough to discover that scissors really do cut hair and small enough to climb in my lap and tell me “My kind heart ‘got’ broken”.  I’ve watched you grow through paintings and drawings as well as giggles and tears.  We have shared moments of, “Hands on your head, Hands on your shoulders”, to “Come on, it’s time to settle down", to, “How are you?”  Tell me how things are going”.  I’ve seen you transition from white shirts to blue shirts, and from seat sacks to lockers.  I can recall bundles of nerves that first week of middle school and helping with combination locks, assuring you things would get easier, that you’d come into your own.

Before me now, I no longer see small children.  You are an amazing, vibrant group of young ladies and gentlemen who have come into their own at HNJ. Who have become leaders, athletes, artists and scholars.  Who have used their talents and gifts to reach this marvelous milestone called graduation.  

Accomplishment such as this can be bittersweet.  Amidst this joy and excitement there comes change and the unknown.  No one is safe from the effects of change.  It is part of life and life changes.  We learn to embrace change and accept that love remains.  You have been loved here at HNJ.  That love fills our hearts, overflows our soul with happiness, and engraves the mind with memories.  It will be with you wherever your life takes you. 

Life is an amazing wondrous gift from our Lord above.  It has been given to us and we are free to create ourselves to our limitless potential all while reflecting His image and likeness.  Your life and your talents are God’s gift to you, what you do with those talents is your gift to the Father.   I challenge you to aspire to use the gift of your limitless potential.  Dream.  Wish. Wonder.  Hope.  Believe.  Pray.  The canvas before you is white washed new and you have the ability to create the masterpiece you desire.  God created each one of you and you are enough.  You matter.  You make a difference.  You can be everything you desire.  The power is within you to direct your journey and create your own dreams.  No matter what your stage, make your performance based in kindness and have your interactions reflect love.  Allow Jesus to shine through your accomplishments.  Breathe Him in and always breathe out His love.

As you leave these hallways behind, and embark on your newest adventure, I wish I could promise you it will be easy.  That you’ll not have hard or dark times. Just know, that it is only because the darkness can we appreciate the beauty of the stars. I assure you - You will come into your own!” Hold fast to memories and the love they go with you always.  In the words of Dr. Seuss, Do not cry because it’s over, Smile because it happened.  

I love you all. You inspire me!

WHO AM I

Barbara Ward-Finneran
Today I was "done" with something and yet it has never felt so unfinished.  Mostly because instead of ending with a period it is ending with a question mark.  

It got me thinking.  Does a title define you?  Daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, artist, designer, teacher, writer, professor.  Insert your own list here.  Is this what defines you or is it what others think of you?  Perhaps it is what you think of yourself.  Is it how you live and what you give? Maybe it's a combination of all of the above with a dash of alter ego mixed in.  Is there actually a plausible answer?  As if being "yourself" is a defined and fixed thing.  If a person is constantly growing, changing and evolving conceivably they cannot be characterized as one "thing".  Conceivably there is never really a period but always more questions.  


Don't feelings play into it?  Do they define you?
--- At times being so clear, lucid and filled with optimism and invincibility.  That feeling that nothing can hold you down or be out of reach.  Those moments when you know you can accomplish anything if you just put your mind to it and work for it.  
--- At other times cloudy, confused and overwhelmed.  The stress of the world and life rendering one ineffective to overcome.  Waning here can rob you of your exquisite inner power.  The one that commands you to rise above the human existence and remember that YOU have the ability at anytime to redefine yourself - mind, spirit and soul.  


When pondering, "who am I"... it's often because one is struggling with change.  A correlation between the inner questions and the ease or lack there of in the life you are experiencing at this moment.  Our identity is not static.  It is ongoing.  A constantly changing process.  Is asking this question a sign of vulnerability or strength? Or is it just a process of human nature that cannot be evaded at times.  Does the question come from a sense of fear or from the anticipation of adventure and challenge?  Is this midlife identity question a blessing in disguise.  A continuum between where you are right now and the journey that lies ahead.  A reminder to take each step with a sense of purpose as you summon the strength to face challenges head on and fight.  Fight for yourself and fight to create your dreams.  To continue the personal evolution that allows you to keep the promises that you make to yourself and redefine your vision along the way.  


If with age and or experience comes wisdom...
Then mine to share from the last few weeks is to embrace the fact that sometimes we are stronger when we bend.  Stronger when we allow ourselves to be malleable.  To mold and recreate your vision and plans.  Flexibility affords you the luxury to not break.  The willow survives the storm as it bends with the winds of change whereas the sturdy and rigid oak is more likely to crack.  (None of us want to "crack"!) Find your balance and embrace the change.  Life happens, like it or not.  Breathe.  Pray.  Believe.  Change and faith are the only constants.  


Recognize your never ending potential.  Keep what serves you well and brings you joy and "shed" the rest.  Value this moment.  It's all you really ever have.  Everything can change in an instant.  The future is unwritten --- but all we are ever "promised" is today. So who you are needs only to be your best self.  Remembering that you are enough.  You do not need to be defined or titled. YOU ARE ENOUGH.  


Move forward. Love yourself. Love life.  Keep the faith. Be brave.  


Keep the promises that you make to yourself.  The rest will follow and you will know - who you are... your best self.  You are enough.  

LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE

Deanna Verbouwens
I was in the middle of writing a post about how much I love Twitter when I received a phone call from my husband that he was in the hospital – injured fighting a fire as a FDNY LT.  The experience was scarier than the actual injury and he’ll be okay but…
That phone call put my life in perspective.
Let’s back the truck up to 18 hours before. Ya there?
Yesterday at work I was called into the general manager’s office and the gauntlet fell on my head, well almost on my head, it took out a few hairs and an ear.  I was told that I’d need to cut my salary by 20% or I’d lose my job.  I’m not curing cancer, the job causes a lot of stress in my life, and a monkey can do it, or anyone with a brain, disposal thumbs is optional. Nevertheless, I still need it. 
I was really upset because I work for a luxury firm. The firm I was told is cutting back on expenses, ok I get it – the choke hold on the economy hasn’t let up in the last two years. Mom and Pop stores have closed their doors; heck Fortune 500 firms merged, been acquired and closed their doors. I get it. But what I don’t get is that this firm is spending thousands of dollars hosting events, renting yachts that just sit at these affairs to give them a “certain look and feel”.  Money spent on Tiffany necklaces, rented Bentley’s bestowed on certain high wealth clients so it appears that the firm has the means to work with them. This is just the tip of the iceberg, there are extravagant expenses floating around like little fairies throughout my office – enormous vases filled with fresh flowers delivered weekly, and chandeliers that should be hanging in the Taj to name a few.
Needless to say, the fact that I have to cut my salary to keep my job is upsetting.
It’s disrespectful, it’s greed, it’s obnoxious, and it’s excess nonsense that means nothing in life, except putting on a show to try to impress yourself, your neighbors and potential clients. 
Nevertheless I was pissed off last night.
But this morning, it changed.
My life could have been wiped out in an instant.  One instant. One tour of duty, if he fell a certain way, he could of been gone.
My love, my heart, my soul was sitting in a hospital being cared for, while my employer was flying to his second home to open another office that somehow he can afford, but not my salary.
I’m intelligent enough to realize that I should be happy that I may still keep my job. I get that I should be thrilled by that fact but it doesn’t mean a damn thing when my life could have been taken away in an instant.
No amount of money, no amount of “things”, no amount of homes, or even a job can replace my heart, soul and love.
Am I still worried that I may lose my job? Yes, indeed.  Am I still pissed off? No.  Do I care? Not really, it’s really not that important I’ll bounce back. 
Life is too damn short, it's hard to do but we must live in the present, live for today because tomorrow may never come, but more importantly what matters most, what matters now is that my love is safe, home and alive.

Find more from Deanna:  www.theunnaturalmother.com