WANNA LAUGH - The modern ABC's

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

Tony Walker

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave!

WANNA LAUGH?!?!??!?!

Author/Artist Unknown

WANNA LAUGH?!?!??!?!

Things That Sound Dirty on Thanksgiving Day But Aren't.......
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back and take it easy ... I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 am, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 pm, a foil wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

WANNA LAUGH?!?! - BEST COME BACK LINE EVER

Tony Walker

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop...

"You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one

around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" He stated in an interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose; cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment 

  

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 

It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' 

  

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

  

I said, Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?

  

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... A pumpkin? Shit ..... is it midnight already? 

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!?!

LESSONS TO REMEMBER IN REAL LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble, and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. hahaha! cruel world

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?! - COMPUTER WOMEN

In keeping with today's What's Shakin' Tech Theme...

HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!! 

WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her. 

EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs. 

SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun! 

INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!! 

SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her. 

MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful. 

CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!! 


E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense. 

VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing. 

If you missed today's What's Shakin' click here

THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE... THE USB VIBRATOR!!!!

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Tony Walker

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

- "An ambulance just drove by!"

- "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

- "Matt's riding a new bike!"

- "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

- "Jason is on his skate board!"

- After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,

"how do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?! - HURRICANE HUMOR... Sometimes you gotta laugh, or you'll cry.....

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas 
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows) 
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (campinggear, flashlights) 

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores 

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials" 

6. Family coming to stay with you 

5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling 

4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities 

3. Days off from work 

2. Candles 

And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ... 

1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.

I need someone really bad. Are you really ?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

In love you go to bed early. After marriage, you go to sleep early.

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"


Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."


The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

WANNA LAUGH?!?! - From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher...

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...

A f r i c a n Elephant

Hooked on phonics! ...Isn't it great?

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are!

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.
"What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.
The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
"$17.98." said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $17.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

WANNA LAUGH?!?! - DR. SEUSS FOR ADULTS...

I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his health care scam. I do not like these dirty crooks or how they lie and cook the books. I do not like when Congress steals, I do not like their secret deals. I do not like ex-speaker Nan, I do not like this 'YES WE CAN'. I do not like this spending spree, I'm smart, I know that nothing's free. I do not like their smug replies, when I complain about their lies. I do not like this kind of hope. I do not like it. Nope, nope, nope!

WANNA LAUGH?!?!

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.