WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

POST HOLIDAY RE-RUN

  

Tony Walker

Sal died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body,

So they sent for his two best friends, Tony and Kevin. The three men had always done everything together...

Tony arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Tony said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad."

"You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Tony said, "Nope, ain't Sal ..."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Kevin in to confirm the identity of the body.

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Tony Walker

Boyle & Finneran were in an elevator when a really hot guy walks in.

They look at the back of his head & sees that he has dandruff.

He gets off the elevator & Finneran turns to Boyle & says, "Boy, that guy needs Head & Shoulders."

Boyle replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Tony Walker

A boy lives on a farm. Before school he has to go outside & feed the animals. This one day he didn't sleep good so he is in a bad mood.

As he feeds the pigs he is in such a bad mood that he kicks one of the pigs.

His mother is watching through the window.

The boy comes in the house & the mother says, "I saw what you did. For kicking the pig you get no bacon with your breakfast."

That afternoon the boys comes home from a bad day at school. As he is walking up the driveway he sees one of the cows. He goes over to the cow & kicks it.

His mother is watching through the window.

The boy comes in the house & the mother says, "I saw what you did. For kicking the cow you get no milk."

Later that day daddy comes from a bad day at work.

As he is walking up the driveway a cat crosses his path. Daddy kicks the cat.

The boy & his mother are watching through the window.

The boy says to his mother, "Are you gonna tell him or should I?"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!?!?

Going Out

Dawn Boyle

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Tony Walker

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, & science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.

The members of the tribe are shocked. The chief grabs the professor & pulls him aside. 

"Look here!" says the chief, " You're the only white man we've ever seen & my wife gives birth to a white child! It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened here!"

"Oh no Chief, you're wrong," says the professor. "What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino. Look at that field over there. All the sheep are white except for the one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief is silent for a moment. He whispers in the professors ear, " Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep & I won't say anything more about the baby!"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Tony Walker

At Drop Dead Comedy we have 2 employees, Jack & Jill. Like every business these days we are feeling the crunch of the current economy. So we've decided that we have to lay one of them off. Question is, which one?

Yesterday I decided that the first one who leaves for lunch will be let go. 

They both ate their lunches at their desks while working. Damn.

I decided the first one to leave for the day will be the one.

They both got up at the exact same moment to leave. SH*t.

Knowing that my business partner will kick my ass if I don't lay someone off like I said I would, I did the eeny meenie minee moe. Jill was the one.

Jill was at her car in the parking lot about to leave.

I got to her just in time. "Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?"

Jill says, "You'd better just jack off. I'm already late for an appointment."

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

 

 

Tony Walker

 

A man & his wife are stranded on a desert island for several years. One day a man washes up on the shore. 

The new man & the other man's wife are instantly attracted to each other but of course must refrain from their temptations. 

The husband is also glad to see a new man. 

"Now we can each work 8 hour shifts in our makeshift watchtower on top of that tree. It will be so much easier that way instead of my wife & I working 12 hour shifts looking for boats."

So the new man goes up the tree right away. The husband & wife start gathering materials to build a fire. 

From the top of the tree the man yells, "Hey! No screwing!"

"No one is screwing down here!"

A few minutes later, "Hey! No screwing!"

"No one is screwing down here!"

This goes on every few minutes during the new man's shift.

At the end of the 8 hours the man comes down.

The husband starts to climb up.

As he is halfway up the new man & the other man's wife immediately start having sex.

Once at the top, the husband looks down & sees them.

"Wow... it really does look like they're screwing from up here."

 

 

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

Tony Walker

A guy walks into a bar. With him is a little guy a foot tall. The guy walks up to the bar & the little guy walks over to the piano where he starts playing & singing.

The bartender, amazed at the sigh of this little guy playing the piano & singin, moves over to the guy to talk to him.

"Hey! That little guy is really good! Where did you find him?"

"I got him from my genie."

"You've got a genie? Do you mind if I borrow your genie? I could use some help!"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

TONY WALKER

Back in 1993 I got married for the first time.

I remember the big day very well. I remember our first night together very very well.

I remember the day after the wedding too. My buddy Rob called me & asked, "So? How was your first night together?"

"Great!" I said. "You know, the way she was acting I think I could have screwed her!"

WANNA LAUGH?!?!?!

TONY WALKER

The Longest Password

 During a recent password audit, it was found that a blond girl
 was using the following password:

 "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"

 When asked why she had such a long password, she said

 she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters

 long and include at least one capital.

http://www.dropdeadcomedy.com/

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Drop-Dead-Comedy/124058930987437

Wanna Laugh?!?!

Tony Walker

A woman walks into a pharmacy. She asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any Viagra?"

"Yes I do," replies the pharmacist.

She asks, "Does it really work?"


He chuckles & says, "It certainly does."

She asks, "Can you get it over the counter?"

He answer, "If I take two of them!"





      

Wanna Laugh?!?!

Tony Walker

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. 
  
 MAN: "Hello" 
  
 WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" 
  
 MAN: "Yes." 
  
 WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. 
 It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?" 
 
 MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." 
 
 WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." 
 
 MAN: "How much?"