I've been told, "You have it all together", "You inspire me", "You handle everything so well"...
Most times I feel pretty secure in handling life and all it's curve balls day in and day out. Then there are the days that it's an effort to breathe. Occasionally, a day like that can meld into a stretch of time. Only those closest to me might notice the heaviness of heart. There are "airs" to put on when you are "the inspiration" the one who always keeps it together. Ms. Mary Sunshine shouldn't have thunder rolling in. Ironically, the last few weeks has not been clear skies. Geez, talk about feeling like a fraud! Lately the constant struggle to keep all the balls in the air has ruled my life. When all you do is keep tossing one up - do you really handle anything? Are you just stuck in a wicked cycle of keeping balance, of keeping up appearances, ...never able to forge ahead or climb up?
Plateaus stink. Professional, personal, relationship, and life/health style ones (any kind at all!) all stink. No really, they suck. When more then one smacks you in the face at a time, "Forgetaboutit"! Being "stuck" in one place can be a torture that is the epitome of spinning your wheels in the thick nasty mud when you had the potential to win the race!
Spin, spin, spin.... that's what it's been. So much energy and jubilation pointed towards the end of school and summers arrival. The limitless list of all that would be easier, personally and professionally, once school was out on May 27th. All the "to do-s" that would and will get done. All the time that would be had to catch up and move on. (Side note: A prime example of not to convince yourself it will be better "when"...!)
Silly me. All that spinning ended in a wicked stall out! Almost a month later. No closer to winning that race. No closer to smashing any plateaus. Reasons matter not. They were not earth shattering - just challenges in my little corner of the world. But enough to suck the air from my lungs and my motivation right along with it!
What matters is not days past - but NOW. What matters was Monday. Monday I declared my own personal "re-do". The restart of summer and all the goals that I have intertwined with the anticipation of it's arrival. Dusting off that motivation and digging deep to move forward. Practically forcing myself. Amazing how even though you want and need to move forward - at times you have to force it into being - even just the start of it. Nothing just gets you nothing, nothing but more spinning! It's a difficult cycle to break at times. Starting can be the hardest, but doing something is better then doing nothing. Start! Start something, maybe not all of it, or even the most pressing of the issues - but, START SOMETHING!
So, I've started! (Again, FINALLY!) Not everything. But, the wheels are in motion and gaining mileage. I'll keep juggling the balls, keeping my eyes strategically on "myself","family" and "faith"- the rest can bounce if needed. I'll catch them when I can. Admittedly - as much as I wanted it - it took days to force the start. I cannot completely even explain why, in writing or even in my own mind. I have however come to acknowledge the problems with keeping all the balls in the air you tend to ignore the ones that are about you. That always leads to trouble. After more then two years of embracing my own mantra of "Keep the promises you make to yourself" I dropped that ball and let it roll out of reach. Somehow thinking I'd fix the other things and get back to me later. Doesn't work that way. HOW DID I FORGET THAT?!?!? You have to take care of YOU to take care of the rest.
Do you need to be starting something?!?!
Do you need to remember to put yourself on the list?
I highly recommend it!