System overload it happens to us all. It shakes up your whole world. Everything else matters more. Your own needs can fall by the way side and you then have nothing to give or share. When you partner wants to stir up some intimacy with you they may just encounter a user error.
Miss the thrills of I just can't keep my hands off my mate? That erotic charge that hung in the air between you when everything was new? How do you turn up the heat again without risking a meltdown from your lover who is caught up in the wicked details of life that are constantly exhausting?
Repeated rejection or boredom in the bedroom hits your relationship like the blue screen of death. So how can you reboot in the bedroom with out encountering an epic fail?
Long term relationships offer an array of positives. Love, shared history, endless connections, loyalty, honesty, friendship, routine, partners, soul mates - all feel secure - but, may not be sparking the essence of sexy and exciting that is desired. All that security can be mundane. These very things that love thrives on can stifle passion and lust and that's a wicked and even at times a scary place to dwell. For desire to thrive and be ever present in your relationship it is good to maintain some levels of elusiveness, independence and randomness. Those elements that you had when you were first falling for the one you love. The thrill of the chase. The feel of the forbidden fruit. The excitement of knowing your partner hungers for you.
For the sake of your love life - a little bit of distance and space both physically and emotionally can actually fuel sexual titillation and recreate some of those early on infatuated feelings. When there is some space between you, it is natural to feel challenged to over come it, thus increasing your desire for one another.
You are much more likely to have that "I can't get enough of you" feeling, if you have actually had the opportunity to miss your mate. Being apart builds up anticipation and arouses the longing to reconnect. It's also alright to keep some "corners of life" without full disclosure. Even if you have been together for years, the mystery can be there if you embrace the trust to allow it. That mystery should be carried over to the bedroom. What makes that "New Relationship Sex" so exciting is the anticipation, the daydreams of what might happen and the ecstasy of the unknown. To recapture that "just met" sizzle you MUST snap out of that same ol' sex routine! Those butterfly feelings and the sexual intoxication can be revisited and recreated if you dare to try.
Sex in the middle of the day? A long passionate kiss in public? Everything goes, but sex? Showering together? Sex with the lights on? Full body massage? Getting it on in a car? A table instead of a bed? Lingerie and heels? Totally naked sex? Blindfolding yourselves? Touching and exploring your lovers flesh? Nibbling kisses from "head to toe"? Sex outside or in a "public" place? Strip poker? Trying "new" positions? Sex on the beach? Handcuffs? Tearing each other's clothes off? Sex, sex and more sex?
Allow yourselves to miss each other! Shake things up! Do it like you did in the beginning! Chances are you have gotten so far away from that incomprehensible rapture that it will probably be a shock to your system to even think about going there. Revisit that long ago passion - simply by daring to do it again. It's worth the awkwardness and risk to step out of that rut of a "comfort zone" and experience the thrill of the rush. It'll make all the difference in the world in your bedroom - like what high speed internet vs. dial up did for your computer. Go ahead - restart and reboot..........
Unfortunatley more things come into play than things becoming routine. Mine started with illness and then weight gain. After that, my mate just wasn't interested in intimacy anymore. I tried but attempts became humiliating when they yielded no response. I decided respect, companionship and deep, non-sexual love had to be enough. Sad but true, and many more people than you know are living the same lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteThe catalysts that bring on the demise of intimacy may vary but the wounds to the relationship and ego have common thread.
ReplyDeleteI agree that throwing on some stilettos and grabbing a deck of cards is not going to create fix for all. In some instances it can be a good place to begin.
Lack of intimacy is a symptom. Cheating is a symptom. There are a spectrum of symptoms all along and between these "extremes". That can't always be fixed by a roll in the hay.
I know many people live that lifestyle. Respect and companionship present in a non-sexual loving relationship has enormous value. Even more so when kids are in the mix. Many a long time marriage are laid on that foundation somewhere along the line. I too, have lived similarly myself. The empowerment then must come from being accepting and confident in your choice. I believe that in choosing to stay committed in that way, one must also be choosing to be happy in your choice(s). If decisions are made, whether for now, or forever - if you have made them - make yourself as happy as you can in them!!! I tip my hat to you, anonymous, and others for your choice. (There is NOTHING easy about that choice!) Just be sure to choose HAPPY too - everyone deserved happy!
If not, you owe it to yourself at some point (perhaps, "after a means to the ends",) to revisit those choices...... AGAIN, CHOOSE HAPPY, make "happy" & "content" work with those decisions - LIFE IS SHORT!
I think too many people take the "I deserve to be happy" attitude and bail as soon as a relationship hits a rough patch. The unreal number of divorces shows that people today often don't make the effort to be happy with what they have chosen. I applaud Anonymous for being faithful to her vows and not giving in to the temptation of cheating or moving on to something more exciting, but not necessarily love. Men go through a "thing" just like women do at a certain age. Maybe Mr. Anonymous will get past it at some point. I do think though, that if you've been sick he just might be afraid to hurt or overtax you. It may also be that comfortable rythm some couples get into after many years. I know many who even sleep in seperate bedrooms because one doesn't want to disturb the sleep of the other with snoring or insomnia. So many things to consider!Also,good advice Jillian!
ReplyDeleteDeserving to be happy doesn't mean you have to bail on vows. As Jillian said, it means being happy in the choices you are making. If you have decided to "stay" then, make yourself at peace & happy in that decision - NO ONE can make you happy - you must empower yourself to do that - there is a saying to be embraced... "You are about as happy as you choose to make yourself". I visited this topic in "Love the One You're With"... http://delayedreactionlounge.blogspot.com/2011/02/love-one-youre-with-barbara-ward.html
ReplyDeleteIt's never over as long as BOTH want to be together and BOTH keep trying. You cannot fix what is broken alone. Relationship - however the two involved decide to define it - TAKES TWO!
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