Friday, April 22, 2011

JUST SAY NO!!!

In Fishnets Today DRL Proudly Presents... 

My first foray into the Lounge is in response to another posting (He Said, She Said). Tony asked "Why must we men take the initiative? What's wrong with asking for yourself? Is it such a big deal to ask sometimes?" I know the answer in my case. Yes, it's a VERY big deal. There have been many, many times I have not asked for things I want. I tell people not to bother when in reality I do want them to bother. I think by not asking for what I really want, I'm doing the right thing. I'm not making trouble for anyone. I don't make waves. I'm a good girl.

It's a common aliment, putting others first and yourself last. I also suffer from the inability to say "no." Even though that's what I really want to say, somewhere between my brain and my mouth the word transforms into "yes." At times I'm even surprised how easily that happens. I feel as if I have to be accommodating, almost feel driven to be. I don't want to reject the other person by saying "no." If I was a good person, I wouldn't turn anyone down. Does that come from my own fear of rejection? Probably. That someone won't find my needs important enough is a scary thought. The solution? I can't be rejected if I don't ask.

What am I hoping to gain by being a good girl? Eventually, I expect my sacrifices to be rewarded. For people to treat me well and do the things I haven't told them I want. Yes, I see there is an oblivious flaw to my thinking. It doesn't work, yet I find myself doing it often. Please no one remind me what the definition of insanity is.

I remember once giving a friend advice when she confided in me that she found herself doing things for members of her family that she often didn't want to do. I told her that next time she had to first ask herself if doing those things made her happy. If the answer was yes, then to go ahead and do them. However, if the answer was no, then be honest and decline. No one else was worrying if they were taking advantage or imposing. If she didn't say what she really felt, she would find herself in the same situation over and over again. She had to take the chance that they wouldn't like it at first. Eventually, it got easier to say "no" and not feel guilty about it.

Now onto the hard work of following my own advice. Try to do what may seem so simple to some. To ask for the help I need. To ask for something I want. To make it less of a big deal. To say "no" if that's what I honestly feel.


Pleased to meet you, readers of the Lounge. Hope you guessed my name.
The Good Girl

18 comments:

  1. Dear Good Girl, I think we were twins seperated at birth! I find that I do the same thing. I don't mind doing anything for friends (or strangers for that matter) but I hate like hell asking for something for myself, even from my own husband and children. Is this conditioning or some kind of genetic tendency? At least it's nice to know that I'm not the only one!Welcome to the Lounge!

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  2. Dear Marion and Good Girl, Let's start a club! I feel the same way. Could we have been triplets?

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  3. ummm...hello my name is Dawn and I am a certainly a member of your club!

    GOOD GIRL - AWESOME POST!!! WELCOME ;)

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  4. Hello All, m name is Barbara, and I have sooooo been there done that --- more often then I care to remember!

    People pleasers by nature, it's really hard to find the balance. I have learned there is less guilt about saying "No", if you can figure out how to do it, how to say NO, then to be "stuck" with or "in" the YES. I was amazed the first time I said NO that it really felt good afterwards. Putting yourself and your own feelings first is not selfish. I have not stopped people pleasing - I do enjoy doing that and being involved - if with "age" comes wisdom, I have gotten occasionally wiser and choosier with when I say YES or NO.

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  5. I recently decided to let everything be about me :) kind of got sick of doing doing doing for everyone else .
    I LOVE the Stones line :)

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  6. I believe we're all related!! Great Jon... now all together say NO, it's time for ME.

    Pamela

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  7. Thank you all so much for this wonderful welcome! I knew I wasn't alone...maybe it's something in our DNA. It's never too late to look out for yourself. As Pamela wrote, let's all join together and say "No" when we really want to say it.

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  8. We are so glad to have you here writing at DRL, Good Girl! GREAT POST!!!

    Thanks to everyone for giving our newest gal pal the warm welcome! We do hope you will write again! SOON!!!!

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  9. I don't understand this....
    You ladies have no problem saying NO to me!!

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  10. Thanks everyone for commenting. I am grateful to all you for sharing and the warm reception.

    A few months ago my daughter's teacher described her as "eager to please." My immediate thought was I didn't want my daughter to grow up and be like me. Her teacher was merely praising her and had no idea how loaded that simple comment was to me. It went right to this basic issue I have struggled with. Feeling that pressure to please others at whatever cost to myself.

    It's not easy to change, but it's in our best interest to try. As Barbara says: Keep the promises you make to yourself.

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  11. And Tony, maybe you're just not asking the right question...or maybe it's because we're all good, but not THAT good.

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  12. Forgive me, I CANNOT RESIST...

    Sometimes it's good to be bad!

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  13. Jillian, Agreed! I'm planning on writing "The Good Girl's Guide to Being Bad" as a future post. Also wanted to let you know that I want to be you when I grow up.

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  14. Loving you already Good Girl!!! I do hope you will keep hang around at the Lounge! We can have some FUN!!!

    I was a YES girl, give NO a chance - try it you might like it! Reserve YES for only when you really want to - Sometimes there's just nothing better then, YES, YES, YES! (again -I couldn't resist)

    Maybe we are kindred spirits from another life... ;)

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  15. @ Tony....... HA!!!
    Love ya Baby!

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  16. I can totally relate to being a "good girl" and also a people pleaser, however, some time's it just gets to be too much and I snap. Ever have one of those days where all your people pleasing has led others to just walk all over you? I have had days where it has gotten so bad I have blown up and finally stuck up for myself and demanded respect. Irony is people just say I am having a bad day and disregard my feelings anyway, or get mad that I actually spoke up. You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't sometimes.

    If I had it to do over again I would live my life with more honesty, and not just play along so much. You don't have to be nasty about it, just honest enough to demand at least a minimal amount of respect.

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  17. @ Anonymous....I have even gotten the ol' "is it that time of the month.." when I have used the word NO.

    I turned 40 in December and I am using the "NO" word a lot more. I feel empowered with my big 4-0!

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  18. I try to let Good Girl say no, and even encourage her in that direction. And she is totally allowed to tell me what she wants and I will try to make it happen.
    -Good Girl's Good Boy

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