Barbara Ward-Finneran
"Leave the fat girl home!" Those can be wicked words. Words that sting to the core of a girl's being. Whether just a few pounds over ideal weight or obese - no female I know, "out there", fancies being referred to as "fat"!
Having "found myself", after being morbidly obese for longer then I can to admit to, I recently learned that "Leave the fat girl home!" is something I now must mentally say to myself. In this process of recovery, I have embraced that you choose everyday which direction to walk on your personal journey. Mistakes happen. Sometimes you take steps backward. There are days you leap ahead. However, for me, I know I have company on the adventure - for I have a "fat soul" and it will never leave me.
Nor do I want "her" to, she has brought me to the place I am today. Two years and over 90 pounds later, you'd think I wouldn't be caught off guard by my own reflection in a window or building. Prior to my complete lifestyle change the image would mortify me. I had learned to hide from the camera and avoid mirrors - but your reflection just can't be ignored. Now it's quite the opposite of humiliated when I "see" myself - but, it is still accompanied by disbelief at times just the same! I do a double take and don't believe it's me. The normal sized, dare I even say small and attractive frame is me. The brain takes a while to catch up when your body goes from sizes 24 and better, to tens and eights. Feeling good. Feeling healthy and active hasn't completely dissolved those "fat girl" images from my mind, some go as hauntingly far back as childhood before I "thinned out" in high school.Which came first; the lack of funds, the complications of shopping with two "babies", the fact that bigger boys don't do the mall, or the "who wants to shop when you are bigger then a house" (so, even shopping with girlfriends was out!), - perhaps combinations of "all of the above" - regardless - until just last week, the fact is, I hadn't ventured into a mall in the better part of a decade.
Culture shock kick in as I graced the mall entrance. And, "she" was there, my fat soul, unnerving me ever so slightly. I was meeting a girlfriend at Victoria's Secret. She was exercising her ability to shop there armed with a gift card. The idea had panicked me a bit when she suggested the meeting place. Old thoughts crept in that made me question if I could even cross the thresh hold of the sexy store. "FAT girls don't shop THERE!" Taking in the visuals of small and pretty clothing in the windows as I cruised past the corner stores I felt "her" fade away. My fat soul slipped to the background as it became evidently clear that I fit in there just fine! That mall girl I used to know in a distant life pushing to the forefront and felt just fantastic wandering around Victoria's.
I don't wish to banish my fat soul from my being. She is responsible for the athlete that I discovered within me, the writer that was reborn, and shoe-a-holic that has resurfaced. She keeps me running (I even own a pair of real running shoes by Newton!). Including running on full rather then empty and numb. That soul has vamped up my dormant confidence and keeps me embracing the lifestyle changes that I have made. She now has unleashed a forty-something, mall rat, monster ! Anxious to go back and really shop. (I noticed there are new shoe stores to scout out!) I can keep my fat soul with me - she keeps me in check! I just need to LEAVE THE FAT GIRL HOME!!! I won't abandon Kohls and Bealls, they have been good to me - but, I'm once again all about a trip to the mall.
Shopping anyone?!?! I wanna go hang at "Vicky's"!
my 10-15 lb yo yo has learned me one thing....SHOES ALWAYS FIT!
ReplyDeleteCheck out FlipFlopOGram.com
She has the cutest! and read our blog about it here in DRL!!
http://delayedreactionlounge.blogspot.com/2011/04/getting-on-my-flip-flops.html
I must say, play with 50 pounds or more, and the shoe thing, NOT TRUE - you can (and do!) change sizes, your feet DO get FAT, or THIN AGAIN!!! I threw away shoes after being "UP" eight so long, blaming it on things changing post babies, on the way down when shoes got TOO BIG, I was wishing I hadn't "trashed" all the too small shoes!
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking the "openness" of Flip Flops would keep them more of a sure fit!
You know Dawn it is interesting to read your column.....how much we have in common and yet my eating disorder was bulimia.....I had it from 17 till 23 when i finally went into therapy and was able to beat it......what is so striking is how powerful a negative body image can be......or should I say how long it takes to realize that you are no longer a "'fat" girl or just a body filled with imperfection. To this day the first thing I see in the mirror are those imperfections but I have learned to wrestle them down.....when i went through the breast cancer and lost my breast.....it was so painful because I could feel all those emotions resurface.......doing that Body Painting Project has helped me so much......I cried and cried the first time it appeared on facebook.....but as I began to see how it helped so many women I let my fear and shame go......and I have grown.......in so many ways.....
ReplyDeleteI love hearing your story....I love that you can walk into Victoria's Secret now and realize that you fit in there.....I am so happy for you because you are beautiful on the outside and most importantly on the inside <3
That friend wouldn't happen to have been Jillian Hart by any chance? Great post Barb! I envy and admire you. I wish I could find the drive and motivation you have! I still avoid the mall!
ReplyDeleteI'm happy for you, but there are still LOTS of us who can't do what you did no matter how we try. WW,Jenny,Atkins,Zumba.........Tried it all.Just can't do it so no Victoria for me. It's sad that our society can't accept us for who and what we are. Other cultures see the beauty in big women, not the good ole USA! Here you have to be size 9 or smaller , oh and with big boobs!I'm doomed!
ReplyDeleteOh Barb luv this post and shopping girlfriend you know if I lived closer the damage we could do..YOWZA!!!
ReplyDeleteSuffering from BD(body dysmorphia)all these year and thanks to therapy and "Committ Don't Quit Attitude". I am slowly learning to luv the body I'm in and yes there are days me and my scale are enemies and I can make excuses up the wazoo on why not to exercise. But you girl are amazing my ROCKSTAR showing me and others anything is possible. If we just end the mind games each on of us create and just take the risk. All I can say is bravo sista :)
Oh by the way Barb did you pick up that animal print panty set?.. its smokin... MEOW!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for the kind words!!!
ReplyDeleteDoris, it is about feeling good in your own skin. It is more mental then physical. For me - when I got my head wrapped around that - the weight came off.
Marion, it wasn't Jill... but it was a mutual friend. LOL :)
Anonymous.... I did it for no one - but myself. Truth be told it wasn't about the weight or not accepting myself or being "happy". It was about being able to tie my shoes without being out of breath and about being able play with my boys - because I wanted to do it. I wasn't unhappy - but I was no longer comfortable in my own skin.
I didn't do it for the greater part of a decade, during which time I "yo-yo-ed". As much as I wanted it during that time, I wasn't committed to doing, I hadn't committed to myself. I would put a spoonful of Ben & Jerry's in my mouth and know I'd regret it later, hell, I was regretting it as I did it - yet I didn't stop. I started a often. Played with 20-30 pounds up and down.
It didn't work till I committed to me! Made myself important enough. Believed in myself and my own power again. Believed that I would be better at everything I wanted for myself, my family , my life - if I stopped. If I committed to finishing what I started- ONCE AND FOR ALL, because I was worth it.
You have to make promises to yourself. But more importantly, YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE PROMISES THAT YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF!
I could barely walk around the block without huffing and puffing when I started. I was never an athlete but always the artist. So- I say to you with such sincerity - that if I CAN DO THIS, ANYONE CAN! The power is with in you. Harness it. Focus on it. Find the "blood, sweat & tears" to make it happen.
Talk yourself into that positive place. The SOUL FOOD writings on the blog where "born" from my need to convince myself to be positive and believe.
Only you can make it happen. I had no funds to pay for meetings, special food or a gym. I got up and got moving. WW, Jenny, Atkins, South Beach - had been there done that - they are tools, they don't make it happen. A promise to yourself - a commitment to yourself --- THAT WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN! Everyday you have to choose it! There is no finish line or done when you recover yourself - It's a daily pledge to take care of YOU! IT'S WORTH IT!!!
This comment was a blog unto it's self --- but I passionately believe that if you WANT it YOU CAN DO IT!!! I write about it not to brag --- but to inspire - I remember needing inspiration. Make a promise... DO IT!!!
KEEP THE PROMISES THAT YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF!!!
Oh, Patty..... you my friend where there for the "LAST STRAW". You inspired me long ago. That paste up picture you made with my head on that "skinny" body is still on the fridge. The boys laugh now that I look like the "Aunt Patty Paste Up Picture".
ReplyDeleteI am very blest, my family, my friends, the love in my life help give me faith & strength.
As for what was or was not purchased... I'm NOT TELLING! ;)